WASHINGTON – After a decades-long war, the United States has signed an armistice with the gay community, in order to better carry out its campaign against black Americans.
“Fighting on two fronts is a classic military blunder,” said Chief Justice John Roberts. “If we want to finally defeat black people, we can’t be worrying about the gay flank.”
The treaty, which ceded the historically contested Marriage region to gay Americans, will free up resources, allowing the United States to occupy more territory in newly invigorated urban areas where the buildings have ‘good bones’.
The United States has already taken over 900,000 prisoners in the War on Blackness, but sources inside the war-room say the conflict can only end in victory if minority groups remain disunited.
“We were pretty sure we could get a peace from white gay America,” said General Dane Runion. “After all, a lot of them have fought on our side against the transgendered insurgency.”
Celebrations have already broken out across the country: the most joyous ones since Republicans won the War on Women last year at the Battle of Hobby Lobby.
At press time, the US government had promised to make peace with the black community, provided that they pay war reparations for being born black, and thereby initiating the conflict.
