Beer Store offers craft brewers opportunity to buy their children back - The Beaverton

Beer Store offers craft brewers opportunity to buy their children back

TORONTO – In the wake of lawsuits threatening their monopoly on beer sales in Ontario, The is extending an olive branch to craft brewers, by offering them the chance to buy their stolen children back.

“We’ve been hearing from small brewers for a while,” said Beer Store spokesperson Jeff Newton. “What they’ve been saying is, ‘we want more representation at the Beer Store, we want more competition, give us back our children.’ We’re willing to work on that last one.”

The new agreement would allow craft brewers producing less than 5 million litres a year to purchase their kidnapped children back for only $100 a head, while larger craft breweries would have to pay $1000 for each child they wanted to rescue from the Beer Store’s prison coolers.

Certain small brewers have hailed the agreement as a ‘step in the right direction’.

“In an ideal world, the Beer Store would never have broken into my house in the middle of the night and abducted my children at gunpoint,” said Paul Meek, of Kichesippi Beer Co. “But I’m willing to let it go, just for the chance to see my Claire and Danny again.”

Others remain skeptical.

“We have a lot of questions,” said Cam Heaps, chairman of the Ontario Craft Brewers. “This announcement certainly does not address our major issue of finding out whether or not our children are even still alive.”

Although Premier Wynne has suggested an interest in dismantling the Beer Store in the past, she could not be reached for comment, because of a diplomatic tour of the Sex Zeppelin.

Originally set up as a consortium of Ontario breweries in 1927, the Beer Store is currently owned by the American company Molson-Coors, the Belgian AB InBev, the Japanese Sapporo, and the Mexican Sinaloa Cartel.

At press time, a new offer from the Beer Store allowed craft brewers to bring in their children’s empty clothes for a five or ten-cent refund.