BAGHDAD – Despite worries from opposition leaders and high-ranking military officers that the mission would spiral well beyond its initial timeframe, the presence of Canadian special forces and airmen in ISIS has fixed things almost immediately.
“American air forces weren’t quite able to get the job done,” said CF-18 pilot Drusus Sheppard. “Turns out all that was needed to tip the balance was a few extra, much worse planes.”
Sheppard claims that Canadian values played a major role in the fixing of Iraq, saying that the attitude of politeness, easygoing good-humour, and quiet hard work adopted by the Canadian pilots while they used bombs to turn combatant and innocent civilian alike into mangled corpses really convinced the radical Sunnis of northern Iraq to stop being angry with the West.
“Something about the way I just knew they flew away apologizing really makes me want to not take up arms and commit acts of violence against them,” said Aahad Al-Tikriti, holding the broken body of his eight-year old son. “Ah, my son, my beautiful son is dead.”
Since the September 4th launch of the mission, the deep, pre-Ottoman ethnic divisions that before were only held in check by the dictatorial strength of the Hussein regime, have spontaneously healed, obviating the need for a 3-state solution, or even much further thought into the matter.
“Thank you Canada for fixing the Middle East by using the same tactics as us, slightly less effectively,” said U.S. president Barack Obama, sipping at a double double and then looking at the cup, his eyes widening with the delight of discovery. “Say, that’s a tasty cuppa Joe!”
At press time, the world was also congratulating Canada for stopping climate change by ignoring it so effectively.
