Imperial Metals CEO: ‘I have cousin that's good at fixing contaminated water’ - The Beaverton

Imperial Metals CEO: ‘I have cousin that’s good at fixing contaminated water’

POLLEY LAKE, BC – The CEO of the mining company that is responsible for contaminating several BC lakes with arsenic, lead, mercury and other heavy metals, is assuring the public that he knows his cousin is really good with fixing contaminated water.

takes full responsibility for the spill,” said Imperial Metals CEO Brian Kynoch at an emergency press conference. “But I know a guy just for the job; my cousin Matt. He’s great with tools and pumps.”

Kynoch attributed his cousin’s qualifications for the arduous task of the environmental clean-up with his experience at fixing the toilet and cleaning the infinity pool in his mansion.

“You got water quality issues, no biggie” said Kynoch’s cousin Matt who was also at the press conference. “I’ve got pipes, routers, fans, clamps, you name it! All we need to do is add a little chlorine, pump out some water, excavate a bit and…”

“Boom! The polluted waterway is back to a majestic stream.”

At press time, Imperial Metals unveiled plans to mine BC’s lakes and streams for precious metals.