VAUGHAN — After a weekend spent at Splash Works with his family, Conservative MP Peter Kent resolved to remove all remaining protections enjoyed by Canada’s rivers, citing the Lazy River Ride as proof that rivers are generally lazy and should learn to protect themselves.
“It took our family four hours to travel a quarter mile on the Lazy River,” Kent said wearing a Conservative Party branded speedo. “It is unacceptable. This hurts Canada’s economy. The Harper Government has already done so much to remove environmental protections but there is more we can do to incentivize these rivers to move faster.”
Prime Minister Stephen Harper, basing himself on a study commissioned by his office, stated that rivers that move at a quicker pace are in fact self-cleaning.
“Rivers protected by the Government are never going to pick up the pace when they can be lazy on the public’s dime,” Harper emphasized. “We have scientific proof from the Canadian Association of Petroleum Producers that these rivers will continue to take advantage of environmental protections without generating any profit.”
Kent said that the nation’s will no longer support ‘kickback creeks’ or ‘slack streams.’
“It’s textbook trickle-down economics,” Kent added.