TORONTO – Following the NHL’s surprising announcement that Rogers Communications, and its Sportsnet tv stations, would have exclusive rights to nationally broadcast hockey games for the next ten years, TSN anchors were universal in expressing their joy at having more time to cover the beloved sport of curling.
“Look, there is one question that is going to dominate sports in 2014,” said former NHL on TSN star James Duthie, “and that is whether Kevin Martin is going to be able to get his coloured rock closer to the centre of that blue-red target thing than Glenn Howard.”
“AND if he’ll be able to do it on a more consistent basis,” added the wide eyed host.
Insider Bob Mckenzie was quick to point out that the curling coverage won’t only be on during tournaments such as the Brier Cup, as TSN would soon be launching in-depth analysis of the sport, including interviews with the “athletes,” a feature on a potential rule change allowing the rocks to be painted a colour other than red or blue. TSN will aso feature an all-day curling trade deadline marathon that will tell viewers everything they want to know about the rumours that Brent Laing may be on the move.
“TSN will be the place for people to get analysis of the sport they kind of watched for a few minutes during the last Winter Olympics,” said Mckenzie.
Aping the popular HBO 24/7 documentary series, TSN even went so far as to announce a behind the scenes documentary of its own, focused on two rival rinks of curlers. The show will focus on their lives away from the rink, how they cope with the pressure of playing in front of a local senior citizens home’s field trip, and the injury toll constantly having to hurry hard can inflict on the human body.
At press time, TSN executives sat in their offices crying quietly to “The Hockey Theme” on repeat.
