CARACAS – The Venezuelan government welcomed the arrival and asylum of NSA-leaker Edward Snowden today, releasing a statement querying whether Americans are or are not aware that Venezuela is “loco.”
“You think we’re scared of the US? Los Americanos?” spat President Maduro while carving a snake-entwined skull into his arm. “Edward Snowden is a righteous man ese, and if we say nobody touches him, then this vato is untouchable. Scared of the big bad US?! I burn my federal budget just for fun, holmes!”
While relieved to be free of his fears of extradition, Snowden admitted that the corrupt and intense nature of many high-ranking Venezuelan officials was one of the factors he was carefully weighing when choosing his place of refuge.
“It’s kind of a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I’ve got a suite in the presidential palace, and can finally sleep and feel safe again. Then again, I also wake up daily to a naked, coked-up Maduro screaming ‘Obama’ at the sunrise with his parliament buddies, all wide-eyed and arms spread. And that’s just the forty minutes before the gunplay begins. Some days, American jails don’t sound so bad.”
While no official US reply has been made, documents were leaked to the media that confirm awareness of the loco-status.