WINNIPEG – After a three year study by the Public Health Agency of Canada, ‘Bieber Fever’ has been revealed as an audible STI.
Dr. Richard Moffat of the National Microbiology Lab in Winnipeg made the link between random shrieking, chronic fainting and ardent support of the artist, previously diagnosed as ‘Bieber Fever.’ “What is shocking,” Moffat stated, “is the level of psychological trauma which rapidly causes insanity, the worst outcome of undiagnosed syphilis.”
Audible syphilis is nothing new and usually flares up once a decade; artists like the Beatles, Wham! and the Backstreet Boys have caused similar outbreaks among tweens and cougars.
“But, this has never happened before with a solo artist,” said Dr. Moffat, who refers to Bieber as the ‘super-spreader.’ This is where just one person has the disease and spreads it to thousands of others.
One risks contracting the disease by listening to more than just 5 minutes of sound made by the artist and excessive visual stimulation by the performer. Treatment for audible syphilis is four doses of Bicillin or listening to the Ramones album “Too Tough to Die” on repeat until the affliction dwindles.
Having cracked the code of Bieber Fever, Dr. Moffat will now turn his focus to the causes of “March Madness.”
