“Your mother sent you those nice photos last month of the renovations her and your father were having done, and you never bothered to write back,” said director of national intelligence, James Clapper. “A simple e-mail reply would have meant so much to her. Or you could have called her, which we also have data showing that you didn’t do.”
According to high-ranking sources inside the United States National Security Agency Anti-Terrorism Division, it’s been quite a long time since you sat down and wrote an e-mail to your mother, and even longer since you’ve replied to the e-mails that she’s been sending to you.
In addition, NSA officials have become increasingly worried that you’re burning the candle at both ends, considering the high volume of work e-mails you seem to be sending and replying to outside of office hours. “Maybe it’s time for another vacation, like the trip you took to Chicago last year. Your MasterCard statements and GPS movements indicate that you had a really fun time there,” said one operative who refused to be identified.
“We’re just looking out for you,” they added.
Sources inside the NSA have also raised questions regarding your recent romantic situation, following the uploading of several Facebook photos of you and Jeanette at that BBQ with the privacy settings listed as “Friends Only,” and are glad to see that you’re finally getting over your ex.
The NSA officials went on to state that they just want to see you maintain a healthy relationship with your parents. “We’re just saying, you should make the most of the time you have with them, as they’re not always going to be there, especially if these cardiology results are anything to go by”
In other news, the NSA is here for you, and assures you that if you ever need someone to talk to, they’re listening.