MORGANSTOWN, VA – Researchers at the esteemed Brain Injury Research Institute have determined that brain injuries cause mixed martial arts fights.
“Before starting their careers in fighting, most fighters had chronic traumatic encephalopathy, memory loss and the peculiar desire to smash someone’s skull in with an elbow,” explained Dr. Julian Bailes, Chairperson of the Institute. “It is this severe lack of brain function that actually compels them to start MMA fighting in the first place.”
MRI scans on the brains of future UFC fighters reveal a goopy mush of the frontal lobe, which controls reasoning, impulse control, non-violent speech and sponsor endorsement.
This news comes too late for fighters like UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar and his wife Reno Mero.
“It all started with the accident,” Mero stated with her husband violently assaulting a pillow in the background. “Years ago while he was completing his Ph.D in zoology, he was struck in the head by a two-by-four by his beloved research monkey Frito. That started the slow decline from football, then anthropology, the WWE and finally UFC.”
Other MMA fighters were delighted by the discovery however. “At least now I know I wasn’t born to stand in a cage and get my face smashed in by a giant man’s knee,” said welterweight competitor Matthew Riddle. “I am a victim in all this.”
The Institute’s next study will examine why UFC fans take such a pleasure watching two clearly mentally handicapped men roll around with each other half-naked in a strong embrace.
