THUNDER BAY, ON – In the wake of reports that Aboriginals make up a disturbingly high percentage of prison inmates in Canada, Minister of Public Safety Vic Toews argued strongly that the Aboriginal community was thriving under the Conservative government, and pointed to the success of the all Aboriginal prison basketball team in the Thunder Bay correctional facility as a prime example.
“Just ten years ago, the Aboriginals in this prison didn’t have enough members to really compete with the best prison teams. But now they’re riding a 10-game winning streak and are on track to win the division.”
Toews, who asked to be referred to as “Coach,” said the road to success was a long and gruelling process.
“Sure we had some external forces in our favour, like poverty and rampant drug and alcohol addiction, but at the end of the day what has really propelled this team to victory is heart. Heart and disproportionately harsh judicial sentencing for minor offences like shoplifting.”
Team Captain Tom Eaglewing however was quick to share the credit with Toews and the rest of the Conservative caucus. “Their commitment to enforcing mandatory minimums for drug crimes that would be more properly addressed with medical treatment, and their dramatic cuts in social programs aimed at keeping Aboriginal youth in school and out of trouble allowed us to be where we are today.”
Eaglewing and his team mates may still be a few games away from sipping warm orange juice from the old boot that serves as the championship trophy, but Toews said he was already planning ways to ensure victory.
“There is this 16 year old on the Reserve, and he is lightning quick with great hands. Something tells me that if he ever gets busted for underage drinking, he may just get sentenced as an adult.”
