WASHINGTON – In the wake of the second deadliest school shooting in US history at Sandy Hook Elementary in Newtown, Conn., the National Rifle Association has recommended that every single elementary school student, aged four and up, bring any firearm they are able to fit into the waistband of their OshKosh B’gosh overalls to class as a safety precaution from now on.
“Our hearts and prayers go out to the victims and the families affected by this tragedy,” said NRA executive director, Wayne LaPierre, at a press conference today. “But it is our duty as advocates of responsible gun ownership to remind the public of the fact that if even one child in that classroom had the wherewithal to bring an assault rifle, semi-automatic pistol, or maybe even a grenade launcher with them to class that day, then he or she would almost definitely have prevented this horrible tragedy.”
“This is not an isolated incident,” continued LaPierre. “School shootings are part of a larger anti-gun culture problem in this country which is preventing our youngest citizens from the right to bear arms and protect themselves. Common sense dictates that no potential shooter, no matter how determined or disturbed, would stand a chance against a swarm of heavily armed children.”
Although Goodman acknowledged that some weapons may be cumbersome for smaller children, including the 7.8 pound Bushmaster .223 semi-automatic rifle used in Friday’s attack, he pointed out that firearms of this nature are the last, best hope of protecting our most vulnerable from the “dangerous criminals who seek to harm them at every opportunity. Sometimes with a knife, sometimes with their own fists, and, yes, sometimes with the sexiest of all weapons: a gun.”
The press conference ended prematurely after a slight breeze caused Goodman to start firing his Glock 9mm into the air.
