Fist-bump proclaimed top broclamation - The Beaverton

Fist-bump proclaimed top broclamation

EDMONTON, AB – After months of data collection, 3000 hours of simulation tests, and a research endowment of over $450,000, top anbropologists at the University of Alberta have proven that the fist-bump is the top broclamation among bros aged 18-45.

In a 200 page study released this week by U of A, the fist-bump ranked higher in overall speed, safety, and facility than standard handshakes and high-fives, which were deemed unsafe and difficult to execute.

“I’ve never been good at handshakes, and don’t get me started on high-fives,” said lead researcher, Isaac Fluger. “I wanted to prove scientifically that people need to move beyond these archaic greetings. I was certain that, when two men greet each other, there is no better way to simultaneously announce and acknowledge each person’s manhood than through fist-bumping.”

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Image: The Beaverton

Drawing on his PhD in anthropology with 5 years of field research in fraternities throughout North America, Fluger designed a series of experiments to test his hypothesis.

According to Fluger, the multifaceted study based its results using online polls, psychology tests, and intense simulation in collaboration with social scientists, physiologists, and lightweight wrestlers.

“Moves like the high-five are a logistical nightmare,“ Fluger said. “They’re far more difficult to execute. If the two hands have mismatched trajectory and velocity, the results can be traumatic. The same with handshakes. The number of times I have reached for a handshake and gotten stuck with a ‘dead fish’ is ridiculous.”

“Furthermore, you can’t explode the handshake,” Fluger added. “Maybe you can do things like swipe it, or tickle the fingers, but that hardly increases testosterone.”

Fluger’s study also put special emphasis on the fist-bump’s hygienic benefits, because few people carry any germs or bacteria on their knuckles.

“I believe more fist-bumps across all demographics could lead to a physically and mentally healthier society. I really hope that this news leads to a world where social interactions are no longer destroyed by missed high-fives.”

Although the study quickly received wide-spread approval internationally, not everyone in the scientific community has welcomed its findings. Rival researchers publicly blasted the validity of Fluger and his team’s study shortly after its release.

“Its pure pseudo-science,” said rival anbropologist Stew Lippowitz, an associate professor at the University of Calgary. “[Fluger]’s clearly trying to push his own ‘bro-genda’. His research didn’t even consider the thumb-guns as part of the study. The thumb-gun would have crushed the fist-bump in terms of distance, versatility, and general machoness. Sure, fist-bumps seem like a good solution, but the long term effects are poorly understood. The knuckles were not made to withstand that kind of constant punishment.”

When asked for comment regarding these criticisms, Fluger crushed an empty can of Rickard’s on his head, took a deep breath, and let out a mighty belch.

”Bro, that’s what I think about Stew Lippowitz. He’s still mad at me for fist-bumping him so hard back in college that I fractured his ring finger. His views are biased as fuck.”