School bully suspended: cafeteria sees strong third quarter gains - The Beaverton

School bully suspended: cafeteria sees strong third quarter gains

, ON – A middle school cafeteria in is experiencing significant gains on a number of its food products following the suspension of notable sixth grade Reese “Kit Kat” Kotangelo, who is on his third day of a week long suspension.

Cafeteria sales at Assikinack Publick School are up 40% from this day last year, and up a whopping 60% from last Friday.

Lunchroom staff are reporting strong gains across nearly every food item with chocolate milk, french fries, and mini pizzas seeing the largest increases.

Even though Reese’s absence has led to large drops in sales, the cafeteria is still seeing its strongest three day gains since Benny Bernelstein’s Bar Mitzvah.

“It’s just a very exciting time for the lunch food market,” fourth grader Jimmy Jenkins told reporters. “Students are spending money freely without fear of our lunch money getting snatched away by Reese.”

“There’s never been a safer time to buy snacks,” added Principal Hofstra, who was responsible for handing down Kotangelo’s suspension. “Buyers are experiencing an increase in cash flow, and they are reinvesting this capital in milk, cookies, and hickory sticks.”

Kotangelo, who was unable to be reached for comment due to his mother’s “no talking to strangers” policy, had instilled an economy of fear, where buyers were scared to spend their money on luxury items such as snacks and candy.

upset boy leaning against a wall
Reese “Kit Kat” Kotangelo in a file photo

(photo licensed by / Monkey Business)

“It was getting so bad for a while there,” Jenkins said. “We were hiding our lunch money wherever we could: inside hollowed out textbooks, in the class hamster cage, anywhere to keep it out of Reese’s chocolate hands. Things were so bad, I even packed my own lunch a few times.”

But where there is a boom, there must also be a bust. Students at Assikinack eat and play without fear of retribution, but a short trip across town reveals the dark side of this otherwise bright day.

Verne Alrdridge, owner of Verne’s Parties, Pranks, and Prosthetic Poop is experiencing his worst three day loss in recent memory.

“Reese is my best customer,” Aldridge said. “He usually spends upwards of 30 dollars a week on itching powder, whoopee cushions, and hand buzzers. We even restructured our business plan to include a candy aisle so he could buy Kit-Kats here. I only hope that Reese’s mom doesn’t lower his allowance because of this. I’ve got mouths to feed.”

The mood back at Assikinack Elementary is bright, but not everyone expects this prosperity to last forever.

“Its simple Bully economics,” explained second grade math wiz Ralph Mathio. “You take the bully out of the system and obviously students are going to spend like crazy. Deep down they know its only a matter of time before Kitty Kat comes back and reestablishes the normal order.”

The child genius does not think that the increased spending is sustainable.

“No way it is. Next Monday it’s back to packed lunches and half eaten apple cores.”

Added Ralph: “Please don’t tell Reese I called him Kitty Kat.”

Principal Hofstra agrees.

“Only time will tell when this bubble will burst and how the market reacts to the reintroduction of Kotangelo. The best hope for market stability is that he does something expulsion worthy, or keeps his grades up so he may wreak havoc on Assikinack High next year.”