MONTREAL – In anticipation of a Canadiens victory against the Tampa Bay Lightning tonight, Montreal Police are preparing for an onslaught of overzealous and violent fans by dumping gasoline…
Tag: NHL
Leafs: ‘We’re only collapsing now to avoid heartbreaking collapse in playoffs.’
TORONTO – In the midst of a 5 game losing streak that has seen them fall from 4th place in the East to nearly out of the playoff picture, the Toronto Maple Leafs have reassured fans that th…
John Tortorella suspended after behaving like John Tortorella
VANCOUVER – After last Saturday’s melee-filled game against Calgary, Vancouver Canucks coach John Tortorella has been given a fifteen day suspension for “behaving in a manner th…
Canadian Junior Hockey team celebrates not winning shameful, shameful bronze
MALMO, SWEDEN – Canada’s Junior Hockey team celebrated long into the night after their stunning victory over having to endure the humiliation of appearing in a third place medal ceremony. P…
New contract with Toronto Maple Leafs causes Dion Phaneuf’s face to almost show emotion
TORONTO – When Dion Phaneuf put pen to paper and signed his new contract extension with the Toronto Maple Leafs his face almost assumed the position of a smile, sources reported today. Dave…
Shawn Thornton suspended for punching guy in face differently than he was supposed to
BOSTON – Boston Bruins enforcer Shawn Thornton was suspended for 15 games after a brutal attack in which he repeatedly struck Penguins defenceman Brooks Orpik in the face with his fist in a…
TSN anchors suddenly really excited for upcoming curling season
TORONTO – Following the NHL’s surprising announcement that Rogers Communications, and its Sportsnet tv stations, would have exclusive rights to nationally broadcast hockey games for the nex…
NHL bans concussions
TORONTO – In response to the number of severe head injuries professional hockey players have suffered in recent years, the National Hockey League has banned all players from getting concuss…
NHL considers re-naming Ottawa Senators to something less dysfunctional and sad
OTTAWA – NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman and Ottawa Senators owner Eugene Melnyk have announced their desire to find a less depressing and tedious namesake for the Ottawa based hockey team. “We exp…
Parros’ mustache fails to break his fall
MONTREAL — Habs enforcer George Parros was released from hospital yesterday after his mustache failed to break his fall during a third period brawl with the Leafs’ Colton Orr. “I spen…
