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Tag: finance
REPORT: Experts worried Christmas not commercial enough
OTTAWA – With a worrying drop in retail sales and less than stellar spending growth, financial experts are beginning to worry that the fourth quarter holiday season purchasing period may no…
Morneau vows to balance budget by turning Department of Finance into numbered shell company
OTTAWA – Minister of Finance Bill Morneau has announced that in order to increase efficiency and lower costs the Department of Finance will be transitioned to a shell company with a numbere…
5 ways to write-off last year’s failed relationships on your taxes
From the first, lust-filled round of craft beer to the eighth break-up bottle of scotch, the arc of your failed 2016 relationships is perfectly documented on the credit card statements you need t…
Goldman Sachs predicts Canadian dollar will fall after they artificially lower it
NEW YORK, NY – Goldman Sachs’ computer models have predicted that the value of the Canadian Dollar will lower by as much as 12 cents compared to the US dollar in 2014 after they use an asto…
Kevin O’Leary completes hostile takeover of children’s lemonade stand
TORONTO – Sources inside O’Leary Funds say that their CEO has successfully gained controlling ownership of Timothy and Caroline Gowan’s lemonade stand in Toronto’s west end. “Now that we control …
Canadians are richer than ever according to new research poll
Canadians are richer than ever, according to Environics research, which calculated that the average household net worth is now over $400,000. What’s your say? “I’m not sure I understand. Can you …
Volunteer generously spends average income of a Nicaraguan on trip to help poor Nicaraguans
MANAGUA – After saving up her pay-checks and fundraising, do-gooder Julie Stuart-Labelle has spent the average yearly salary of a Nicaraguan for a three week trip to help the poor of that c…
Breaking: City of Detroit wasn’t already bankrupt
DETROIT – Detroit, capital of the automotive industry, became the largest city in the history of the United States to declare bankruptcy on Thursday, shocking those who assumed the city had…
‘Cash for gold’ commercials attract first customer
TORONTO – Local jewellery buyer Russell Oliver announced today that the TV advertisements for his gold-buying business, which have been running nonstop for the past decade, have successfull…