OTTAWA – A poll conducted among the that-one-unbearable-person-on-Facebook demographic has shown that the Conservative party is polling above 95%. “Polls of people with any basic decency show Ha...
Woman telling everyone that she is ghosting from this party
TORONTO – Having determined that she is no longer ‘feeling this party’, local woman Tammy Smith has decided to ghost, but not before informing close friends, acquaintances, and all o...
Leaked documents show that the RCMP wiretapped 30,000 deer
OTTAWA – Coming on the heels of revelations about RCMP surveillance of native and environmental groups, new leaks have shown that the Royal Canadian Mountain Police issued warrantless wiretaps o...
Ontario middle schooler can’t believe he has so much orgy and Satanism homework
TORONTO – After only one week of the new sex-ed curriculum, local 7th grader Jimmy Donaldson can’t believe he has to spend the entire weekend doing group sex and devil-worship assignments....
Stan Lee signs contract allowing corpse to appear in future Marvel films
HOLLYWOOD – Citing their popularity among fans, former Marvel president Stan Lee has vowed that his cameos in Marvel films will continue long after he dies. “Realistically, my living body will o...
New polls definitively show NDP will win or lose
CANADA – Newly released polls are showing that the NDP have a very strong chance of winning the upcoming federal election, and simultaneously no chance at all. “The NDP have been polling v...
Conservative candidate resigns after reading Conservative platform out loud
DUNVILLE, ON — Another local Conservative candidate has resigned today after he read the Conservative Party platform out loud offending many who heard it. Gordon McPherson, Conservative candidat...
Montreal man beaten at a bar after claiming he “is ready for winter”
MONTREAL, QC — A man is in serious condition following a beating at a Montreal pub. The victim, Simon Duncan, was attacked by a group of patrons after openly announcing that he “is ready for Win...
Queen Elizabeth II officially England’s longest-serving welfare recipient
LONDON, UK – Queen Elizabeth II is now officially England’s longest serving drain of public funds, celebrating her 23,226th day as Britain’s reigning welfare recipient. “Her Majesty is living proof th...
