TORONTO – Although he is only a month into the school year, local science teacher Carlos Leslie has already run out of the fun, exciting, and even marginally interesting science experiments. “Oh...
Local couple choose between getting married and burning $30,000 in giant bonfire
TORONTO – Local couple Sarah Schneider and David Richmond recently made the difficult choice between burning their money in the fire pit at a local park or spending thousands of dollars on wedding com...
Conservative party concerned they’re being too subtle
OTTAWA – There is disquiet among Conservative Party members, as many within the party are worried that Canadians may not be receiving clear messages about the Conservatives’ stance on race and multicu...
Hungover 16 year-old wakes up wearing ‘Re-elect Conservative Rick Dykstra’ button
ST. CATHARINES — After a long night out drinking with her friends, an unidentified high school girl woke up to find a Rick Dykstra button pinned to her side tie halter dress. “What happened last...
Unemployed Canadians so happy to see politicians addressing the niqab again
MONTREAL — The nation’s unemployed are pleased to hear that the main topic of political conversation will be about whether a very small minority of women have a religious right to cover their fa...
CRA to tax ‘exposure’ income by actors
The Canada Revenue Agency has announced a new category of tax remittance for actors, comedians, improvisers, and other types of performers to pay dues on the vast sums of attention and future opportun...
Mass shooting in _________, USA kills ___
__________, USA — Up to ___ people were killed and ____ more injured after a gunman opened fire at a ________. There were conflicting reports about casualties, but _______ from _______County She...
New Plutocratic Party supporter going to strategically vote Conservative
CALGARY – After determining that his party was unlikely to win, New Plutocratic Party supporter Harris Wilkes has decided to hold his nose and vote for Stephen Harper. “Of course, I’d love to se...
Every federal election candidate resigns after using social media
OTTAWA – All 1,792 candidates running for Canada’s next member of Parliament have announced their resignation after using Twitter and Facebook to express their views for the past ten years. Cand...
NDP hires Michael Ignatieff as campaign advisor
OTTAWA – In order to temper their early-campaign momentum and avoid “growing too quickly,” the New Democratic Party of Canada has hired academic and former Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff as their ca...
