MONTREAL – While performing well in the final week of the federal election campaign, Liberal leader Justin Trudeau has yet to learn all of his lines for a community theatre production of popula...
Series of squiggly lines on graph to determine swing voter’s choice
SURREY — A series of coloured squiggly lines presented on a neat graph will determine how many undecided voters will cast their ballot. Becky Lui, 27, is having a hard time determining which abs...
Globe and Mail heroically defend country’s most vulnerable rich by endorsing Conservatives
TORONTO — In what is being called an act of steadfast principle to the nation’s vulnerable wealthy class, the Globe and Mail has endorsed the Conservative Party for the 2015 federal election. “T...
Lancaster bomber annihilates Berlin for old time sake
YORKSHIRE, UK — An iconic World War II bomber has brought back many old memories after it dropped a 14,000 lbs payload of incendiaries and high explosives over Germany’s capital some 70 years af...
Rob Ford signs multi-thousand dollar tracksuit sponsorship deal
TORONTO — Former Toronto mayor Rob Ford has just announced a lucrative multi-thousand dollar tracksuit deal with Adidas. After recently having signed NBA heartthrob James Harden, Adidas’ is look...
World anxiously awaits results of Whitehorse municipal election
WHITEHORSE — In a race that has attracted international media coverage with stakes higher than ever before, Whitehorsians will determine the fate of their mayor, councillors and ultimately huma...
Harper warns niqab could be used to conceal some kind of mouth gun
OTTAWA – After weeks of promising to ban the niqab from citizenship ceremonies, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has revealed that the face-covering garment could be more dangerous than originally ...
Deep feeling of weariness polling strongly in federal election
CANADA – A recent series of polls from Nanos and Ipsos-Reid show that a profound, crushing tiredness is still the federal election frontrunner. “While other parties have had their peaks and vall...
Tory scientists discover new base instinct to appeal to
OTTAWA – After years of research into the human species’ most contemptible tendencies, a group of Conservative Party researchers have come across an entirely new kind of loathsomeness to exploit...
