TORONTO – A recent news story about recalled Beatrice chocolate milk being contaminated with sanitizers has local man Alex Hallman really craving chocolate milk. “Something something chemical sa...
Nation’s women fucking done with this shit
CANADA – Sources report that the nation’s women are so fucking done with all this goddamn bullshit. If you assault women, it’s your fault, and your problem. Fucking get it together or get the fu...
Ghomeshi Judge: “We must fight against the stereotype that women tell the truth”
TORONTO – In a decisive ruling, Ghomeshi trial Judge William Horkins urged Canadians to remain vigilant against the baseless notion that women are ever truthful about sexual assault, victimizati...
Clown car careens off cliff, hundreds dead
TORONTO – Tragedy struck the 401 Express today as a car carrying several clowns careened off of a steep embankment while en route to the upcoming Oshawa Clown Festival. First responder Alex Hinds desc...
Ghomeshi thanks Crown, police for their excellent work on his defence
TORONTO — Former CBC personality Jian Ghomeshi expressed his appreciation for the police and prosecution, thanking them for all their hard work in ensuring his acquittal on charges of sexual ass...
For first time, computer wins game of chess against Death
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – After defeating a human player in the game of Go, Google’s Deepmind AlphaGo computer has also become the first computer to win a game of chess against Death. “We’re thrilled ...
R-rated cut of Batman vs. Superman to include deleted ‘make-up sex’ scene
HOLLYWOOD – Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice director Zack Snyder has confirmed a forthcoming R-rated release of the film including a deleted scene of the two heroes reconciling sexually fol...
Panelists decide which author to execute on day 3 of Canada Reads
TORONTO – Partway through another day of grueling debate, the Canada Reads panelists are still deciding which of the three remaining authors will be sacrificed today to guarantee another year of...
Tories slam Liberal budget’s reckless acknowledgement of First Nations, veterans
OTTAWA – Conservative Party leaders had harsh words for the federal budget tabled by Finance Minister Bill Morneau yesterday, blasting the Liberal government for its “irresponsible” acknowledgement of...
Rebel goes to bed without wearing her retainer
NORTH BAY, ON — In what is being called a rebellious act of defiance of society’s rules, 17-year-old Sarah Elea has gone to sleep without wearing her orthodontic retainer. The incident occ...
