OTTAWA — In a symbolic gesture aimed at demonstrating the “shared values” she hopes will serve as the foundation of strong diplomatic relations between her party and U.S. President-elect Donald ...
Whitewashed.ca Commercial
Ever worry an ancestry.com search will reveal the horrific truth about your ancestors’ misdeeds? Well we have the perfect website for you....
Cohen family unsure what song to play at Leonard Cohen’s funeral
LOS ANGELES – Sources inside the Cohen family say they are having difficulty picking a song to play for the beloved singer-songwriter’s upcoming funeral. According to senior Cohen family members...
Bicycle cops fail to apprehend own dignity
MONTREAL – Calling it “the one that got away,” a group of four police officers failed to apprehend their own dignity while riding the streets of Montreal on bicycles. The incident occurred yeste...
This year’s poppies “extra stabby” to help Canadians appreciate soldiers’ sacrifice
OTTAWA – Representatives from the Royal Canadian Legion have confirmed that their newly-redesigned poppies were built for optimal pointiness, size, and “gouge-ability”, to help Canadians better ...
The Donald Trump apocalypse begins
In this special preview of The Beaverton‘s first episode, Emma Hunter and Miguel Rivas provide complete coverage of the 2016 Presidential election. Donald Trump has won the Presidency and...
Nation relieved to hear Ebola just in Winnipeg
OTTAWA – Upon hearing that a lab technician was possibly exposed to the Ebola virus, Canadians were relieved to hear that the exposure only occurred in Winnipeg. “Oh, thank God,” explained Diane...
Nation’s parents wake up to tell kids elaborate, four-year lie
WASHINGTON, DC – After waking up and fretting this morning’s conversation at the breakfast table, approximately 150 million American parents stammered their way through roughly the exact same ev...
Obituary for America
Sad news from Washington as the United States of America was found dead yesterday....
Armed poll-watcher forgets to vote
ASHE COUNTY, NC – After spending a full 13 hours standing next to his local polling station holding an AR-15, Arliss Connaught has suddenly realized that he forgot to vote. “Well shoot,” said Co...
