Bicycle cops fail to apprehend own dignity - The Beaverton

Bicycle cops fail to apprehend own dignity

– Calling it “the one that got away,” a group of four officers failed to apprehend their own dignity while riding the streets of on bicycles.

The incident occurred yesterday outside poste de quartier 33 immediately after the constables reported for duty. All of a sudden they noticed their collective sense of self-worth was apparently stolen as soon as they stepped outside wearing their standard issue baggy, shapeless cargo pants, fluorescent green reflective vests and mushroom shaped helmets.

“It was as if someone swooped in unnoticed and absconded our self-respect,” said Cst. J.P. Mulliard, who was recently transferred to bike patrol.

“We’ve tried looking at security footage from nearby storefronts and interviewed witnesses on the street to see if the assailant – or assailants – were spotted, but most people said they didn’t want to be a part of a Just for Laughs Gag, and some simply pointed and laughed at us while we died a little inside.”

A team of police sketch artists were dispatched to the scene, but were unable to get a proper description from the officers as to what their concept of dignity looked like.

At press time, the cops were pining for the days where they could feel good about themselves by tear-gassing student protesters.

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