NEW YORK – Russian military intelligence has discovered that the genetic and agricultural giant Monsanto has been engaging in chemical warfare within Syria. Putin announced this discovery after rappel...
Local man left lost and confused after fiancée takes date of birth off Facebook
MONTREAL – Harry Shield is looking for a gift for his bride-to-be’s birthday, which is next tuesday or wednesday or thursday – ever since she stopped listing her birthday on Facebook, Harr...
Ariel Castro unable to tolerate being abused in a locked room for years
COLUMBUS, Ohio – On Wednesday, recently incarcerated criminal Ariel Castro was found hanging in his cell after he discovered he was unable to handle captivity. “The inmate apparently took ...
Toronto Star begins paywall website, hopes no one knows how to clear internet history
TORONTO – After several other renowned newspapers implemented paywalls for internet content, publishers at the Toronto Star are hoping that none of their online readers know how to clear their b...
Trudeau fetus polling well in focus groups
OTTAWA – Justin Trudeau’s expected third child has polled well among voters according to Nanos Research. Since conception, the Trudeau fetus has been polling well in focus groups especially amon...
All 200 high school valedictorians in university course expect to finish top of class
MONTREAL – With the first day of university quickly approaching, all 200 high school valedictorians enrolled in “Introduction to Western Civilisation” at McGill are raring to start and expecting...
War of 1812 celebrations extended to 2017
Canadians everywhere are bracing their wrists for even more flag-waving as the government announced it will be prolonging the War of 1812 celebrations until 2017.histhist Minister of Heritage Shelly G...
Deafening military flyovers of airshow exciting novelty for city that has never been bombed
TORONTO – Following a week of ceremonial flyovers by Canada’s elite Snowbirds, Toronto residents have reported greatly enjoying the noise and spectacle of seeing CT-114 Tutor fighter planes pass...
Lonely Woman Invents Shitty Boyfriend
VICTORIA, BC – Tired of her friends’ relationship conversations dominating group outings, local copywriter Ashley Tanner, 25, recently invented a distant and generally disappointing significant ...
Real-life thrift shop nothing like Macklemore video
HAMILTON – A nearby Salvation Army store has failed to live up to the expectations set by the “Thrift Shop” music video for local man Jake Covey. “The video made it seem like there w...
