AL-RAQQAH, SYRIA – Sources inside the Islamic State expressed shock today as several fighters boarded aircraft for Missouri with the intention of dwelling peacefully in the quiet suburb of …
World
Trudeau leaves note on pillow for Barack, slips out door
WASHINGTON D.C. – As the President of the United States showered, a reluctant Justin Trudeau left a note on the pillow explaining why he had to leave, then quickly exited the Lincoln bedroo…
Obama and Trudeau reach historic salt passing agreement
WASHINGTON, DC – Sources indicate that US President Barack Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau have already reached a landmark treatise regarding the passing of the salt shaker…
Men celebrate International Women’s Day with #AllDaysMatter campaign
TORONTO – MRAs, Gamergate trolls and white men everywhere took to the internet this morning in an orchestrated attempt to “helpfully respond to” International Women’s Day by pointing out th…
Small-dicked Neo-Nazis proud they now much closer to resembling Hitler
REGINA – Neo-Nazis worldwide are rejoicing this week amid the revelation that Adolf Hitler, former genocidal Chancellor of Germany from 1933-1945, had a micro-penis. The celebrations come as a re…
Optimist sees polar ice caps as half full
Brandon, Manitoba – Noted bright-side looker Julie Chambers, 37, told reporters yesterday that she thinks it’s better to view the polar ice caps, which in recent years have been losing both…
Devil summons legion of advocates from comment threads
THE SKIES ABOVE EARTH – The devil has emerged from the depths of hell. Raising his goat’s head and speaking in the voice of a dragon earlier this week, he assembled his army of advocates, calling…
God apologizes for snakes
HEAVEN – In an unprecedented public statement earlier this week, God, the Supreme Lord and Master of the Universe, Blessed be He, issued a heartfelt apology for the creation and proliferation of …
El Chapo chooses life in jail over five more minutes with Sean Penn
VICTORIA DE DURANGO, MEX. — Fugitive drug kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman ended his six-month run from the law this week, when he surrendered himself to Mexican authorities on condition t…
