TORONTO – Declaring that the city’s Drowzee scourge can no longer be tolerated, Toronto Mayor John Tory vowed that he would take swift, decisive action against the problem. “We are aware of…
Toronto
LCBO offers at-home delivery through Canada Post for highly-organized alcoholics
TORONTO – Today the Liquor Control Board of Ontario announced that it would sell products online, available for delivery through Canada Post, in an effort to target well-organized alcoholic…
Gay cop delivers open letter to Black Lives Matter protestors while carding them
TORONTO – A gay police officer has personally delivered an open letter about the Pride parade protest to organizers of Black Lives Matter Toronto, while illegally collecting their personal …
Financial capital of Canada pauses so streetcar driver can move tracks with big stick
TORONTO – The largest economic power in the nation came to a grinding halt this morning as Eddie, the streetcar operator, struggled to properly move the Dundas streetcar tracks using his la…
Zoo officials hope patrons don’t notice they’ve replaced capybaras with giant TTC rats
TORONTO – With two capybaras having escaped from the High Park Zoo earlier this week, administrators are hoping that zoo visitors don’t notice that the animals have been temporarily r…
Toronto man continues streak of totally meaning to have gone to Hot Docs
TORONTO – Self-dubbed film fanatic Calvin Rows has kept alive his now four-year streak of intending to have gone to the Hot Docs Festival. Rows ensured the streak’s continuation by spending…
Attorney General promises to release SIU report on Loku shooting as soon as cops finish rewriting it
TORONTO – Ontario attorney general Madeline Meilleur, who earlier this week told reporters she would not release the secret report explaining why Ontario’s police watchdog cleared a Toronto polic…
Woman getting off at Museum Station probably works at the museum
TORONTO – A mysterious woman set off a firestorm of speculation yesterday when she exited the subway train at an unconventional stop, Museum Station*. “I thought she must’ve missed her transfer o…
Local couple buys last affordable piece of non-haunted Toronto real estate
TORONTO – A local couple has purchased Toronto’s last piece of real estate that could reasonably be maintained by an average-income family, that is also free of tormented spirits. “We…
Mississauga woman wins largest ever Lotto 649 jackpot, can finally move to Toronto
MISSISSAUGA — A Mississauga woman has won a $64,000,000 lottery jackpot, finally affording her the financial freedom to actually purchase property in Toronto. The winner couldn’t believe he…
