As teams gear up for the annual playoff battle and the Leafs gear up for their annual schvitz, its time for The Beaverton‘s experts to break down the match ups, rivalries and action that wi…
Sports
Brendan Shanahan fires himself
Toronto – Fresh off of a wave of firings including interim head coach Peter Horachek , GM Dave Nonis, and the entire front office, Toronto Maple Leafs President Brendan Shanahan entered a b…
Foreign friend keeps calling it ice hockey
EDMONTON – Although he reported being generally happy that his English friend Simon had come for a visit, local man Carl Terrace did wish he would stop referring to our national obsession a…
Leafs platinum ticket holder throws Armani dinner jacket onto ice
TORONTO – After spending thousands of dollars on season tickets and pre-game sushi only to see the Leafs lose again and again, local man and ACC Platinum Club member Winston Scott joined th…
Puppy Bowl rocked by accusations squeaky balls intentionally deflated
LOS ANGELES – Animal Planet executives have been inundated with accusations that the squeaky balls used during the annual Puppy Bowl were severely deflated to fit the needs of lead quarter …
Toronto Raptors donate $50,000 to struggling, underprivileged Maple Leafs
TORONTO – Following their best start in team history, the Atlantic Division leading Raptors spent yesterday donating money and resources to Toronto’s poor, needy NHL hockey team. “It feels …
Leafs retaliate against jersey throwing fans by throwing zamboni back at them
TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs got revenge by throwing the Air Canada Centre’s Zamboni at the three Leafs fans who threw their jerseys onto the ice at Monday’s game against t…
Jonathan Bernier praises Magic Johnson for ending apartheid
TORONTO – Following an interview in which he claimed that Nelson Mandela was one of the athletes he grew up watching, Toronto Maple Leafs goalie Jonathan Bernier went on to state his admira…
God asks Jean Béliveau for two autographs, one for his son
HEAVEN’S GATES – After his recent passing, legendary Montreal Canadiens Jean Béliveau has already received a request for two autographs by God. “Holy flying Buddha!” exclaimed the deity for…
Report: Mark Messier somewhere inside the house
North Bay, ON – Although there has been no confirmed sighting, the Cameron family are convinced that NHL legend and friendly faced Rogers spokesman Mark Messier is somewhere in their house,…
