Another first round of the NHL draft has come and gone. And if there is one thing we know about selecting a bunch of 18 year olds to play professional hockey for our teams 1-4 years down the line…
Sports
NHL honours its best by forcing them to listen to D-List celebrities mispronounce their names
NASHVILLE – After another successful season, the NHL will be celebrating its best players in traditional fashion, by making them sit in a crowded auditorium while a collection of obscure Am…
[Team] wins Stanley Cup
NORTH AMERICAN CITY – After a hard-fought series that went [number] games, the Stanley Cup has been awarded to [team], a victory by the [favourites/underdogs] that many analysts [predicted/failed…
Sport about to be passed in popularity by world’s 5th best soccer league sees no reason to change
NEW YORK CITY – The NHL, a league who will soon make less money and attract fewer eyeballs than the propreantepenultimate name in soccer, the MLS, announced they will make no significant ch…
Toronto Goodwill asking people to stop donating Leafs jerseys
TORONTO – The regional board of Goodwill Industries has taken to social media to ask residents of the GTA to please stop leaving Maple Leafs jerseys in their used clothing bins and donation…
Report: There are now more bidders to buy the Ottawa Senators than there are fans of the Ottawa Senators
OTTAWA – Analysts tracking the ever growing list of actors, singers and the usual shady billionaires who want to buy the Ottawa Senators have concluded that they now outnumber the people wh…
Researchers uncover evidence that Stanley Cup Playoffs still in progress
OTTAWA – Officials at Carleton University held a press conference today, announcing their discovery that the long-thought-completed NHL playoffs are, in fact, ongoing. Graduate student Jaso…
Leafs fans sick of current ‘good but not good enough’ team going to love return of ‘we suck and our front office is chaos’ era
TORONTO – With Kyle Dubas out as GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs just weeks before crucial decisions have to be made about key players Auston Matthews and William Nylander, the fanbase is div…
Pitch clock resigns baseball players’ nutsacks to unscratched loneliness
Kansas City, MO – The arrival of the pitch clock and other measures to speed up the languid pace of professional baseball has created victims of baseball players’ scrotums, as the lack of customa…
Oilers and Leafs fans seamlessly transition from arguing about which team is going to win the Cup to which team shat the bed worse
TORONTO – Having spent much of the season locked in fierce online battles about whether the Leafs or Oilers would win the Cup, team fans have effortlessly moved on to discussing which team …
