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National
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Canada Votes 2015
SNC-Lavalin employee retires
‘They’re heroes,’ says man who called former cabinet ministers unqualified diversity hires two months ago
Parks Canada bear employees still reporting pay problems with Phoenix
Mafia leaders granted DPA after government claims their business could lose 9,000 jobs
Local man blissfully unaware he’s picked as kill during every game of Fuck, Marry, Kill
Cat with twenty nicknames having identity crisis
Yes, nauseous woman is sure she’s not pregnant
Man with unpopular opinion deploys new tactic of yelling a bit louder
Last person to use Toronto’s Union Station pre-construction dies of old age
TTC finally admits “signal upgrades” just code for Fuck Party in the subway tunnels
Bruce McArthur pleads guilty, Toronto police still skeptical
Toronto man who wasn’t speaking told to stop complaining about the snow
Groundbreaking Montreal artist shocks community by changing ‘Arrêt’ sign to ‘Art’
Third year McGill student hopes to visit Montreal someday
Producers of SLĀV cancel show to concentrate on new revue of songs of oppressed white people
Montreal’s retired Old Port carriage horses relocated to Calgary Stampede chuck wagon races
Local woman can’t find anything she owns despite living in 200 sq. ft. micro apartment
Rest of country to Vancouver: We get it, you have good sushi
Parents trying to decipher alternative school’s crystal-based report cards
Vancouver city council approves plan to extend SkyTrain vertically
Conservation officers safely tranquilize municipal elections candidate wandering through neighbourhood
Dempster Highway to be renamed after bread company’s sponsorship ends
Dawson City River fountain deemed a success
Whitehorse grandfather from 2075 regales grandchildren about surviving with only 2 Starbucks locations
Low-income student receiving free tuition to be given Ontario’s $348 billion debt next year
University-aged Buck-a-Beer connoisseurs taste the subtle hints of intoxication
University anarchist group demands dedicated unsafe space
Campus leftists under fire for refusing to engage in debate with escaped zoo tiger
Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews
Dalhousie University: The Beaverton University Reviews
OCAD University: University Reviews 2014
Ryerson University: The Beaverton University Reviews
NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government
Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority
90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party
Conservatives unveil last minute attack ad accusing Justin of supporting Kansas City
World
World
U.S.
Historical Archives
Local man starting to suspect it’s too late to ask what Brexit is
Prince Philip still refuses to give up pilot’s license
China unveils new tourism slogan, ‘Come and you’ll never be able to leave’
Chinese government incarcerates family of dead moon plant for failing the Party
Trump late for diplomatic meeting after taking twenty minutes to put on boots, snow pants
Nation stunned to learn schools that charge $50,000 per year unfairly favour rich people
“But I’m a white!” David Frum screams as he’s picked up by ICE
Highly caffeinated Robert Mueller pulling all-nighter after not starting report until this afternoon
July 24th, 1967: French President De Gaulle calls for Quebec to surrender, await for international help for liberation
Portraits of Canadiocity: Martin Luther King Jr
Canadians Learn About Gandhi and Serial Killer Gilles de Rais
September 28, 1972: Paul Henderson’s goal causes World War III
Sports
Sports
Team of Mascots arrive from the future to kill Gritty before he gets too powerful
Scotiabank Arena says ‘fuck it, 18 bucks for a bottle of water’
Edmonton expected to get hit with 10 cm of Oilers jerseys tonight
Referee reverses call after man yells at TV loud enough
Business
Business
Barbie celebrates 60th birthday by retiring from 200 jobs
7 Millennial job-hunting strategies that aren’t just lying down and waiting for death to take you
Bombardier somehow misses deadline for train they weren’t contracted to make
Amazon abandons plans for NYC HQ after no one home to accept delivery
Culture
Culture
Lifestyle
Health
Opinion
Parenting
Stats
Classifieds
Comics
Cher re-records ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’ to reflect recent advances in entropy reversal
Police at Gambino boss murder scene sick of having to shoo away Martin Scorsese
JK Rowling reveals Harry Potter voted against Brexit
“Stupid comic book nerds,” says man who can name every Patriots player from the last 60 years
Hacked psychic website compromises millions of users’ tarot card information
Two weeks into diet, popcorn ceiling looking a little too delicious
Makeup-free woman actually is pretty tired, thank you for noticing
Addict says she can stop bullet journaling anytime
Documents reveal anti-vaccination Facebook groups funded by ‘Big Child Coffin’
Local man using cigarettes to quit vaping
Health agency brings back smallpox to teach everyone an important lesson about vaccination
Five adorable Victorian fashion accessories to go with your child’s measles
Three superhero movies this decade with female leads? What’s next? A FOURTH!?!
Now that my diplomacy career is over, I’d like to talk to you about the new Huawei Mate 20 Pro
I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question “if I was Prime Minister?”
EDITORIAL: Sex with no strings attached is killing my marionette fetish
Baby never happier than when vomiting
Sleep-deprived parent fondly remembers days of being sleep-deprived raver
BREAKING: Baby not done pooping
Son finds dad’s stash of old hardcore police chase videos
86% of August e-mail traffic just duelling Out-Of-Office messages
2014 Canadian Federal Budget Preview
Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles
What are you dressing up as for Halloween?
LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.
ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
Bob the Angry Flower: Press This
Bob the Angry Flower: Revolt
Bob the Angry Flower: Rhetorical
Bob the Angry Flower: Bank Job
BeavFeed
Beavfeed
Choice Your Own Adventure
Quiz
Slideshow
Guide To/How To
Brave: Rather than settle for meaningless thoughts and prayers, this man tweeted about how meaningless thoughts and prayers are
Five adorable Victorian fashion accessories to go with your child’s measles
Harrowing: Woman trapped in store change room for three days attempting to remove ambitiously small dress
Going Public: This pensioner was overcharged on her car insurance so we brutally murdered the people responsible
You’re Jason Kenney. Can you find an excuse to get out of going to Calgary Pride?
You just lit off a bunch of fireworks before realizing you were in the Art Gallery of Ontario. Can you save the priceless pieces of art?
You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?
You have a chance to punch a Nazi. Do you take it?
Quiz: Hey you look like a smart person, do you want the chance to work for yourself and be your own boss?
QUIZ: Can you name any of the newly elected United States congresswomen and why not?
Quiz: Watching a Hallmark Christmas movie or trapped in an upper-middle class white person’s wet dream?
Quiz: Can you tell the difference between real Jewish holidays and ones we just made up but which might still be real, who knows
10 things Doug Ford has already used the notwithstanding clause on
6 rugs that are actually just clothes you left on the floor
5 effortless pottery overalls worn by calmer women than you
These 5 people now live in P.E.I. because they couldn’t pay the $47 Confederation Bridge toll
How To Go Vegan…Next Week
Guide To: Edmonton
Guide To: St.John’s
How To Lose Weight
Video
Videos
Full Episodes
Canadians abroad continue to deny knowledge of “Steve from Canada”
Blizzard Not Going To Stop Man From Barbecuing Mediocre Steak
Preview: ‘The Beaverton Year In Review 2018’ December 31 On CTV
Canadian Tire Money Truck Robbery Steals Almost $24
Watch: Season 2, Episode 13
Watch: Season 2, Episode 12
Podcasts
The Beaverton Weekly Report
Trans activists make absurd demand to be treated like human beings
Doug Ford demands Green Party apologize for letting Oshawa GM Plant close
St. Michael’s principal promises to restore school to acceptable levels of toxic masculinity
The Beaverton will pay whatever it takes to not see Tony Clement’s dick
The Book
Walking Tours
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