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The Beaverton
The Beaverton
  • National
    • National
    • Local
    • Toronto
    • Montreal
    • Vancouver
    • North
    • Campus
    • University Reviews
    • Canada Votes 2015
    Carney confident government can meet spending cut goals as long as they make life a little worse for every Canadian
    As part of negotiations with Trump, Carney agrees to celebrate Canada Day on July 4th
    Liberals promise anti-democratic components of Bill C-5 will be used sparingly as long as Conservatives never get in power again
    Carney limits G7 guests to one assassination each
    Family of 5 enjoys 24 hour window where nobody sick
    CTV announces 24 nanosecond news cycle
    Local woman waiting to return her missed calls until she’s on crowded bus
    Forest Hill by-election to show Canada what people without problems think
    “Why is Toronto traffic so terrible?” wonders man in car
    Latest Drake track features his Mom asking Kendrick to stop bullying her son
    Report: Juan Soto in talks with Ohtani about best way to get Canadians’ hopes up before crushing their dreams
    Toronto commuter unable to tell if Taylor Swift gridlock has started
    Just for Laughs Festival files for bankruptcy protection just before jumping out of box wearing gorilla mask
    Montreal rioters concerned COVID rules are destroying small businesses before they can destroy small businesses
    Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
    Montreal halts road construction until everyone can enjoy it again
    Rick Tocchet announced as NDP party leader
    Report: Killer Whales actively preparing to bring down a plane
    Vancouver considers buying a second snowplow
    Vancouver actor moves to L.A. to improve odds of getting cast in shows that shoot in Vancouver
    Tied Yukon election to be decided by traditional chainsaw throw
    Yukon exposed to 2 cases of assholes
    Yukon refuses to change clocks back in smug defiance of the will of Demeter
    Rest of Canada happy to exchange NWT election results for federal one
    York Professor asks for a note from a dictator before agreeing to defer student’s exam
    Queen’s students argue their campus outbreak will be way better than Western’s
    Gaming the system: Recent 92-year-old university grad gets to die before she pays off her debt
    Western University invites David Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” to speak at convocation
    Western University mandate 3 vaccine shots, 15 Jaegermeister shots
    Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews
    Dalhousie University: The Beaverton University Reviews
    OCAD University: University Reviews 2014
    NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government
    Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority
    90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party
    Conservatives unveil last minute attack ad accusing Justin of supporting Kansas City
  • World
    • World
    • U.S.
    • Historical Archives
    Canada signs deal with EU on defence, entry to Eurovision
    Trump urges Americans to just remember whatever bullshit let them support Iraq War
    Trump demands Nobel Peace Prize for starting war with Iran
    Minister of International Trade says Canada should apply for EU membership: “Canada is only 19km from France.”
    Trump urges Americans to just remember whatever bullshit let them support Iraq War
    McGill says it’s cool if Harvard crashes on their couch until things calm down at home
    Trump reminds Americans he only promised not to start foreign wars
    Trump, Musk publicly feud over whose father loved them less
    Living History: Grandma exchanged letters with John Diefenbaker where he talks about his “Dief Beef” 
    Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history
    Village virgin sick of donating blood to every ritual sacrifice
    July 24th, 1967: French President De Gaulle calls for Quebec to surrender, await for international help for liberation
  • Sports
    • Sports
    Florida, Calgary win Stanley Cup Final
    “Eh, fuck it”: Montreal F1 driver takes an Uber
    Federal government opens distress hotline for Canadians forced to cheer for Oilers
    Inventive refs develop new way to help Panthers win beyond the favourable whistle
  • Business
    • Business
    Man fights male loneliness epidemic with mandatory Microsoft Teams meetings
    Career coaches admit that “networking is key” just euphemism for “you’ll get absolutely nowhere without nepotism”
    Researchers warn Tim Horton’s in-app NHL Hockey Challenge is a gateway to drinking their coffee
    Rogers celebrates 20 years of higher than expected call volumes
  • Culture
    • Culture
    • Lifestyle
    • Health
    • Opinion
    • Parenting
    • Stats
    • Classifieds
    New hit reality show begs to answer the question, “Do you want to ruin your life!?”
    New Cirque du Soleil show apparently different from the others
    “At least Mel Gibson is still a good guy,” states man with the memory of a grape
    Snow White dethroned at box office by dimly lit video of man ranking Skittles flavours
    Tampax encourages women to channel their rage into bigger, better periods
    Conscientious driver slows to 30 km/h in school zone while hitting children with car
    Report: Exhausting, unfulfilling suburban life you hate is university student’s unattainable dream
    Mystical ayahuasca experience concludes with survey for chance to win $25 Amazon gift card
    Blue Jays announce giveaway where first 15,000 fans get a family doctor
    Ads playing on gas pumps now leading cause of hearing loss
    Danielle Smith demands referendum to separate measles from Albertans
    “Is it possible you’re just pregnant?” asks doctor staring at woman’s fractured tibia
    Op-Ed : “Say what you will about us, at least we never blew a 27-point lead,” by Auston Matthews
    The Beaverton demands same debate invitation as The Rebel, even though we’re not as big a joke
    Editorial: Trump underestimates how proud, united and, most importantly, petty Canadians are
    Op-Ed: The “Wicked” movie shows us what audiences really want — more films about green people
    Man who wants kids unaware he will be expected to parent them
    Physicists launch study of temporal paradox allowing people younger than you to have kids already
    Child abuse? This baby is wearing jeans
    Toddler guzzling bathwater like Nero at Bacchanal in waning days of Roman Empire
    93% of Canadians will never pay off their blood debts
    86% of August e-mail traffic just duelling Out-Of-Office messages
    2014 Canadian Federal Budget Preview
    Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles
    Missed Connections: You were the public urinator on Main and 5th
    LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.
    ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.
    UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
  • BeavFeed
    • Beavfeed
    • Choice Your Own Adventure
    • Quiz
    • Slideshow
    • Guide To/How To
    Meet the Canadians who support U.S. annexation: this 42 year old accountant sucks shit
    Canadians who support the U.S. annexing us explain why
    Most popular Thanksgiving Sides in every Province
    CBC execs explain why they deserve their bonuses
    You’re Jason Kenney. Can you find an excuse to get out of going to Calgary Pride?
    You just lit off a bunch of fireworks before realizing you were in the Art Gallery of Ontario. Can you save the priceless pieces of art?
    You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?
    You have a chance to punch a Nazi. Do you take it?
    Quiz: Should you watch Barbie, Oppenheimer or 2008 Canadian WWI drama Passchendaele
    Quiz: Who should you vote for in Toronto’s Mayoral Race
    Quiz: Who should you vote for in the Alberta Provincial Election
    QUIZ: Is it a pyramid scheme or just a regular cult?
    Canadians who support the U.S. annexing us explain why
    Free speech champions explain why it’s OK that people are being cancelled for criticizing Israel
    Conservatives explain why Pierre Poilievre attacking ‘globalist elites’ isn’t antisemitic
    Liberals explain why they can’t do anything about the housing crisis
    How To Go Vegan…Next Week
    Guide To: Edmonton
    Guide To: St.John’s
    How To Lose Weight
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