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National
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Canada Votes 2015
Harry fired from temp job after giving too many inspirational speeches at drive thru window
Military’s procurement of generic snow shovel 10 years late, $6 billion over budget
Rex Murphy parachuted into Australian wildfires to deny climate change
New charity helps royal immigrants integrate into Canada’s high society
“Spread cheer at Christmas!” tweets woman who just threw defective holiday candle at 16-year-old cashier
Watchful cat beginning to make introverted ceiling demon nervous
Public scandalized by city councillor’s request to be paid as much as camp counselor
Stormwatch: That one restaurant patio is still open
TTC to replace shuttle buses with being pushed off cliff in barrel full of eels
Angry tweet at TTC fixes decades of underfunding
50s style cannabis diner promises not to be nostalgic about the systemic racism stuff
Toronto police address road safety crisis by teaching pedestrians to die more discreetly
Half of Osheaga too high to realize festival ended 2 days ago
Still searching for buyer, Montreal Alouettes now listed as fully furnished
New law requires Quebec to show its racism visibly
Montreal riots after Boston loss
Huawei paid us $150 to write this article calling for the acquittal of Meng Wangzhou
City that hosted 2010 Winter Olympics fails to prepare for snow again
Impeachment hearings relocated to Vancouver to reduce production costs
Oh great, the Gastown Steam Clock is vaping now
Rest of Canada happy to exchange NWT election results for federal one
Conservation officers safely tranquilize municipal elections candidate wandering through neighbourhood
Dempster Highway to be renamed after bread company’s sponsorship ends
Dawson City River fountain deemed a success
Gaming the system: Recent 92-year-old university grad gets to die before she pays off her debt
Western University invites David Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” to speak at convocation
Low-income student receiving free tuition to be given Ontario’s $348 billion debt next year
University-aged Buck-a-Beer connoisseurs taste the subtle hints of intoxication
Acadia University: The Beaverton University Reviews
Dalhousie University: The Beaverton University Reviews
OCAD University: University Reviews 2014
Ryerson University: The Beaverton University Reviews
NDP claim Liberals stole their idea to form majority government
Sun newspapers still reporting Harper majority
90-year-old who has never voted proudly casts first ballot for Social Credit party
Conservatives unveil last minute attack ad accusing Justin of supporting Kansas City
World
World
U.S.
Historical Archives
Terry Jones goes to that great giant foot in the sky
Britain resumes tradition of sending outcasts to the colonies
Embarrassing Australian government continues to rage across the country
Quaint English village fails to meet its mysterious murder quota for the year
BREAKING: Woman who has absorbed decades of unhinged misogynist vitriol does not like one guy
Sanders campaign relieved to have dodged Clinton endorsement
Trump starts trade war with Australia just to feel something
Bible on which U.S. senators swear impartiality for Trump’s impeachment trial bursts into flames
Village virgin sick of donating blood to every ritual sacrifice
July 24th, 1967: French President De Gaulle calls for Quebec to surrender, await for international help for liberation
Portraits of Canadiocity: Martin Luther King Jr
Canadians Learn About Gandhi and Serial Killer Gilles de Rais
Sports
Sports
Fairweather Raptors fans excited for whenever the season starts
TSN camera wins World Juniors gold medal
Canadian holiday tradition of angrily berating teenagers continues
20,000 lovers fill arena to watch their ex-man put on a ring
Business
Business
No
Screaming child becomes official mascot of Costco
Corporate Santa gives children annual performance reports
Vibranium stocks tumble as U.S. raises tariffs on Wakanda
Culture
Culture
Lifestyle
Health
Opinion
Parenting
Stats
Classifieds
Nation’s boyfriends begrudgingly moved by Little Women
5 TV shows you should watch before we all die
Local actress successfully deprograms member of hereditary cult
“I’d love to be catcalled,” says man who has never feared for his life
“Might as well, I’m on vacation,” says local man as he drinks from puddle of radioactive waste
Pragmatic supervillain sets sights on conquering small Midwestern township
Guests furious hotels will no longer be giving out little bottles filled with terrible products no one uses
Woman killed by monster after realizing running is worse than death
Study finds that just having 5 fucking minutes to yourself outweighs all the negative effects of smoking
“I’m quirky” declared treatable condition by W.H.O.
New study finds link between vaping and dating someone named Cody
Details of Brian’s keto diet endured by all
Political correctness is waging the War on Boxing Day
It’s too soon for stores to be hanging Christmas dildos
I saw 20 minutes of Iron Man 2 and I’ve thrown up every day since – By Martin Scorsese
Now that the campaign is over, I’d like to talk to you about your life insurance options
Weird couple names their son “John”
Baby celebrating first birthday just happy so many shapes could make it
Nation’s toddlers refusing to budge on no-nap policy
Children impressed, sad at how much Dad knows about Transformers
86% of August e-mail traffic just duelling Out-Of-Office messages
2014 Canadian Federal Budget Preview
Most frequent lies found on online dating profiles
What are you dressing up as for Halloween?
LOTS OF JARS FULL OF APRICOT PITS.
ESSAY WRITERS NEEDED ASAP. BIG MONEY $$$$$.
UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend.
BeavFeed
Beavfeed
Choice Your Own Adventure
Quiz
Slideshow
Guide To/How To
5 TV shows you should watch before we all die
How to keep your New Year’s Resolutions by modifying them every day
Hung stocking absolutely stuffed
5 best pizza slices in Toronto even though you’re just going to get Pizza Pizza again
You’re Jason Kenney. Can you find an excuse to get out of going to Calgary Pride?
You just lit off a bunch of fireworks before realizing you were in the Art Gallery of Ontario. Can you save the priceless pieces of art?
You magically turned into a bug! Can you live a happy and fulfilling life?
You have a chance to punch a Nazi. Do you take it?
QUIZ: Did you time travel or just nap until it got dark out?
QUIZ: Is your essay too short, or are post-secondary treatises a futile and meaningless exercise in quantifying intellectual abilities in a way that presents a moral and physical hardship to their creator?
QUIZ: Have you made an informed decision not to have children or are you a selfish witch?
Quiz: What future Canadian drug shortage caused by the US will you die in?
10 things Doug Ford has already used the notwithstanding clause on
6 rugs that are actually just clothes you left on the floor
5 effortless pottery overalls worn by calmer women than you
These 5 people now live in P.E.I. because they couldn’t pay the $47 Confederation Bridge toll
How To Go Vegan…Next Week
Guide To: Edmonton
Guide To: St.John’s
How To Lose Weight
Video
Videos
Full Episodes
Wretched old man brings you trash you asked for
White man brags about how diverse Toronto is to his group of white friends
The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special
Strategic Voting succeeds in preventing any real change to system
The Beaverton Mocks the Vote Special
Watch: Season 3, Episode 8
Watch: Season 3, Episode 7
Watch: Season 3, Episode 6
Podcasts
The Beaverton Weekly Report
Trans activists make absurd demand to be treated like human beings
Doug Ford demands Green Party apologize for letting Oshawa GM Plant close
St. Michael’s principal promises to restore school to acceptable levels of toxic masculinity
The Beaverton will pay whatever it takes to not see Tony Clement’s dick
The Book
Workshops
Walking Tours
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