BY BILL NIGHY Every time I tell them my name at Starbucks, the cashier seems to feel the need to ask me, “Oh, like the science guy?” Ha ha. Well. Take a good fucking look at my last name you shit…
Opinion
What this funeral needs is more hops
BY DOUG FALWELL, OWNER & PROPRIETOR, BaTshIt INsaNE BReWerY Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Daniel Burling: son, brother, father, friend. Obviously this …
In hindsight to our impending extinction, we probably should have tried a little harder
By: A Northern White Rhinoceros As certain extinction closes in on myself and my subspecies, I, Mark the Northern White Rhinoceros, one of the two remaining Northern White Rhinoceroses on the pla…
I bet my daughter could beat up your daughter
By Henry Smithersbee Hey you! How strong is your daughter? I bet you that my daughter could totally beat up your daughter. Yeah, she’s really strong, and tough and stuff. So I don’t think your da…
If the paper boy didn’t like his bonus, he can say it to my fucking face
By Rick Powell I’ve lived on Albion Crescent for twelve years now. There are enough things to like about the neighbourhood: reasonable property taxes, plenty of green space, proximity to go…
Suspended Senator Patrick Brazeau now manager of a strip club
Sources at the BareFax Gentlemen’s Club, an Ottawa strip club, have confirmed that suspended senator Patrick Brazeau is an employee. What’s your say? “Headline spot, or does he have to tryo…
Sir, don’t you think you’ve rolled up enough rims for one day?
BY A TIM HORTONS DRIVE THRU SPEAKER BOX On behalf of Tim Horton’s, I would like to thank you for your loyal patronage at our stores during our roll-up-the-rim-to-win event, but Sir, don’t you thi…
That pusillanimous charlatan David Johnston has perniciously mulct the Order of Canada from me
BY CONRAD BLACK In what can only be called a banal display of demagoguery, the Governor General, along with that Star Council of pabulum known as the advisory council, has hoisted me from the Ord…
I just want to share the game I love, and be treated like a living god in the process
BY DENNIS RODMAN You know I’ve taken a lot of heat during my career. Whether it’s for the dyed hair and the piercings, headbutting opponents, refusing to leave the court after being e…
The Ladies are going to love this new fedora
By Myron Wales Today’s ladies are looking for a more sophisticated class of man. Gone are the days when a ragamuffin with a heart of gold could win the affection of a fair maid. The modern dating…
