By Derek Darklord Greetings, fellow-travellers down the night-highway of the macabre. I, of course, am Derek Darklord, and You, of course, will recognize my name from the covers of your favourite…
Editorial
When will I ever need these equations in real life?
By Stephen Hawking A few days ago I stumbled across a major empirical inconsistency in the apsidal precession predicted by Einstein’s general theory of relativity. As I finished writing dow…
A day of reckoning will come for the tyrants at Douglas Mini-Putt and Go-Kart Track
By Mitch Clattenberg Brothers and Sisters; hark and listen as the glorious flutes of liberty herald the sacred ballet of popular uprising! We must cast off the shackles of servitude and bathe in …
Don’t be crazy, Elvis Presley died in 1977
By Alvin Priestly You know, every so often I’ll stumble across a news story about some person who thinks they’ve seen Elvis somewhere. Maybe they saw him in a blue Dodge B100 parked outside of Rh…
I’m pretty sure I would be in this exact same position even if Pierre Trudeau wasn’t my dad
By Justin Trudeau In the wake of my recent election as leader of the Liberal Party of Canada, I’ve noticed that one or two media outlets have suggested that my success may somehow be related to m…
None of this would have happened had you flossed
By Dr. W. Scott Harrington Look, we’ve been through this many times: brush your teeth in the morning and at night, don’t eat sugary foods and floss daily. I hate to sound like a broke…
Son, it’s time I told you about your father’s and my sex life
By Jeanette Francis Listen son, I know that this is the sort of thing that you’re not usually supposed to talk about with your children, but mama’s had a couple of wines and you’re cornered in th…
Ya, you should probably start getting really afraid of Sinkholes
By a Sinkhole Hey my man, I know you’ve been worrying about a lot of things lately – sharks, parasites you can only get in countries you will never visit, and the specific contents of…
Man, who would have thought me playing Abraham Lincoln would have generated all this awards talk?
By Daniel Day-Lewis I have just been told that my performance as Abraham Lincoln, 16th president of the United States of America, has been and will continue to be receiving a number of awards fro…
That’s just great! Red pants are finally in fashion the same year I get my darn legs severed in a motorcycle accident
By Amada Sweeps When it comes to fashion, I’m always ahead of my time, but honestly, I feel like the Gods, or some higher fashion power is stopping me from taking the credit I deserve. Red pants …
