OTTAWA – Representatives from the Royal Canadian Legion have confirmed that their newly-redesigned poppies were built for optimal pointiness, size, and “gouge-ability”, to help Canadians be…
National
Nation relieved to hear Ebola just in Winnipeg
OTTAWA – Upon hearing that a lab technician was possibly exposed to the Ebola virus, Canadians were relieved to hear that the exposure only occurred in Winnipeg. “Oh, thank God,” explained …
Rachel Notley caught in yet another scandal
Beleaguered Alberta premier Rachel Notley has been accused of even more misconduct. The Beaverton‘s Laura Cilevitz travelled to Calgary to speak with a number of outraged Albertans.…
Labour market experts say precariously employed youth should consider organ trade
OTTAWA — Labour market experts are advising precariously employed youth to look into alternative streams of income such as the illegal international organ trade to ensure they enjoy a similar lev…
Manitoba acquires the good parts of Minneapolis
WINNIPEG – The Manitoba government has acquired the nicer areas of Minneapolis for roughly $3 billion US. Manitoba Premier Brian Pallister made the announcement of the land purchase from th…
Report: 90% of Canadians plan to spend U.S. election day rocking back and forth while moaning softly
OTTAWA – A recent survey has revealed that 9 out of every 10 Canadians will spend the entirety of November 5 experiencing a moderate to severe panic attack, manifesting itself in curling in…
Majority of Newfoundlanders delighted to have a relative on the Supreme Court
ST. JOHN’S – With the official swearing-in of Justice Malcolm Rowe to the Supreme Court of Canada Monday afternoon, polling shows that more than 70% of Newfoundlanders are happy with the Prime Mi…
Ontario Liberals give up, let each school choose their own sex-ed curriculum
Aisha Alfa reports on the Kathleen Wynne government’s plan to let each school set their own sex ed curriculum, and the wildly different lesson plans that the school boards have come …
Peter Mansbridge retiring in order to spend more time lobbing softball questions at his family
Eminent journalist Peter Mansbridge, host of CBC’s The National and revered across the country for his ability to sit down with world leaders and ask them what their ideal Sunday mor…
New Canadian Heritage Minute is surprisingly self-aware
Making parodies about Heritage Minutes. A part of our history since 5 minutes after the first Heritage Minute premiered.…
