NEW YORK, NY – Goldman Sachs’ computer models have predicted that the value of the Canadian Dollar will lower by as much as 12 cents compared to the US dollar in 2014 after they use an asto…
National
New study finds that studies are very important
OTTAWA – A new study by the recently defunded Carleton University research institute has concluded that studies are very useful and should be commissioned much more often. “Our resear…
Nation wonders if guy who ‘loves winter’ also likes getting fucking choked to death
CANADA – After weeks of relentless cold, the nation wondered today whether local man Jake Bryans still thought Winter was “The best season”, and also whether he thought it would be fun if a…
York University Dean supports student’s religious right to Aztec human sacrifice
TORONTO – After permitting a student to be excused from course work on religious grounds so he would not have to publicly interact with female peers, the Dean of York University is also per…
Pot-smoking Mountie can’t stop laughing at uniform
FREDERICTON – A Mountie who uses medicinal marijuana couldn’t stop giggling at his red serge when he returned it yesterday pending an unrelated assault trial. “Dude, this is just like……
Freezing death of homeless man welcome news for global warming deniers
Timmins, ON — While temperatures across much of the country have plummeted, causing the death of a number of elderly and homeless individuals, including local man James Russell, cold weathe…
Poll: Canadians overwhelmingly in favour of Olympic hockey team overthrowing, leading government
Following today’s’ Team Canada 2014 Olympic hockey roster announcement, Canadians polled support the team of top athletes toppling the current Canadian government, and subsequently leading the co…
PM Harper wishes Canadians a merry fourth-quarter purchasing cycle
OTTAWA – With the holiday season drawing near, Prime Minister Harper issued a statement today urging all Canadians to enjoy the time of year that brings us closer to our most beloved indust…
Industry Minister James Moore, nation’s poor children only have his words to eat
VANCOUVER- After his remarks that his government didn’t have a responsibility to care for poor children drew strong rebukes from nearly all living humans, Industry Minister James Moore was left w…
RCMP to find missing PMO emails by asking NSA
OTTAWA – To aid in its investigation of the Duffy-Wright expense scandal, the RCMP is seeking help from the NSA. “We have no working relationship with the PMO, or the Senate,” s…
