HAMILTON, ON – International restaurant chain Tim Hortons is celebrating 50 years of instilling and manipulating contrived patriotic sentiment in Canadian consumers towards their brand coff…
National
POLL: Many would vote for Tim Hudak if he were completely different person
ONTARIO – With the Ontario election only one month away, polls are predicting a landslide victory for Tim Hudak, if he is willing to entirely change his campaign, policies, political party,…
Tories introduce ‘Three Riddles’ voting system
The Harper government has passed its controversial Noble Voters Act, which will require all potential voters to answer three riddles and “establish their virtue true” before casting a ballot. “Th…
Tim Hudak offers one million jobs for one night with your wife
NIAGARA FALLS – Progressive Conservative leader Tim Hudak is willing to give one million jobs to you if he can spend one night with your wife. The salacious proposal was made while Hudak wa…
Court upholds ban on doctor-assisted regicide
OTTAWA – In what is being called a landmark case, the Supreme court of Canada has ruled doctor-assisted regicide unlawful, a decision that could have far-reaching implications for ongoing p…
Northern Economic Development Agency creating jobs in remote region of downtown Ottawa
OTTAWA – The Canadian Northern Economic Development Agency revealed today new job numbers indicating that the Agency has been responsible for rapid job growth in the isolated region of down…
Conservatives unveil new ‘just fuck shit up before 2015’ plan
OTTAWA – After a year plagued by scandal and unpopular legislation, representatives of the Harper government have announced that the administration’s new strategy is to just try and pass as…
BREAKING: The Beaverton has received a videotape of Rob Ford not smoking crack
TORONTO – In a shocking twist, The Beaverton has received an exclusive video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford not smoking crack cocaine, stumbling drunkenly, or shouting any ethnic slurs. In spite…
Writers of popular Rob Ford dramedy criticized for recurring crack cocaine plot device
TORONTO – Viewership for the once wildly popular primetime show Mayor Ford has been steadily declining after writers used crack cocaine to advance the plot for the second straight season. The awa…
Cigarette butt named official flower of Montreal
MONTREAL – Canada’s second largest city is adopting the common cigarette butt as its official flower emblem. The City of Montreal selected the cigarette butt since they are the most common …
