OTTAWA – At a recent campaign stop, Prime Minister Mark Carney admitted to being genuinely puzzled why more cash-strapped young Canadians aren’t using elite asset management firms to …
Money
“Not All Billionaires!” says billionaire Mark Cuban
Dallas, Texas —Amid growing concerns about the influence of the ultra-wealthy, billionaire Mark Cuban has issued a heartfelt plea via the jumbotron at the Dallas Mavericks stadium, “Not all billi…
Jesus announces even he can no longer save in this economy
PARADISE, NS ― In a new testament to the widespread challenges of inflation, Jesus Christ has admitted that he is really no longer in a position to save these days. “I used to devote my life to t…
CRA knows home office being used for non-work purposes, you fucking liar
OTTAWA — The Canada Revenue Agency confirmed this week that it is fully aware you’ve been using your home office for non-work purposes, you fucking liar. “Do you think we’re stupid? Are we just c…
Wealthy Canadians demand the Liberals also raise taxes on the capital gains of the poor
OTTAWA – After learning the new federal budget will increase the amount of tax paid by people who make more than $250,000 in capital gains in a year, Canada’s richest citizens are demanding…
Sam Bankman-Fried’s cellmate sentenced to 25 years stuck with guy who won’t shut up about crypto
NEW YORK – Following the collapse of notorious online financial exchange site FTX, the future cellmate of finance mogul Sam Bankman-Fried was sentenced to 25 years stuck in a cell next to a…
Increased prevalence of public nudity as cost of clothing surpasses fines
BURNABY, BC ― As inflation runs rampant and dress codes grow more relaxed, more people are dispensing with clothing altogether, prompting calls for public officials to increase fines for indecent…
RBC launches new Canadian Groceries Loan Program
TORONTO – At a press conference held outside Toronto’s Friendly Harvest Food Bank, RBC announced its latest financial offering: the new Canadian Groceries Loan Program. The program aims to …
Millennials could save money just by making coffee at a Starbucks franchise they personally own
OTTAWA – A new report has discovered that Canadian Millennials can save an average of $1800 per year and dramatically improve their chances of home ownership simply by switching to making t…
Greedy, overpaid teacher takes second greedy, overpaid job at grocery store
No Frills, Ontario – Wealth-hoarding public school teachers across the province are starting to take second jobs after complaining that the hundreds of dollars they make per year isn’t enou…
