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Blackberry makes first sale in six months
WATERLOO, ON – After a six month “dry spell” Blackberry president Thorstein Heins announced today that the company had finally closed a sale. “It was looking pretty grim there for awhile. N…
PROROGATION UPDATE: Bored Mulcair messes around with beard
OTTAWA – (DAY 3) MP and official leader of the opposition, Thomas Mulcair, spent all of yesterday “gettin’ crazy” with his facial hair confident he’d be able to grow…
TIFF celebrities excited to catch glimpse of Rob Ford
TORONTO, ON – As the Toronto International Film Festival gets underway, more and more celebrities have been spotted outside of City Hall, hoping for a glimpse of the city’s most famous citi…
Ariel Castro unable to tolerate being abused in a locked room for years
COLUMBUS, Ohio – On Wednesday, recently incarcerated criminal Ariel Castro was found hanging in his cell after he discovered he was unable to handle captivity. “The inmate apparently …
TIFF Opening Night Gala to feature film by Atom Egoyan, probably
With TIFF fast approaching, programmers for the world’s second largest film festival are around 80% sure opening gala will feature Atom Egoyan’s next masterpiece. “I don’t think Sarah [Polley] or…
Everyone on camping trip thinks they know what poison ivy looks like
ALGONQUIN, ON – Last weekend, a group camping trip set out with all five members believing they had the ability to quickly and accurately identify poison ivy. “Poison ivy? Don’t even worry …
Huma Abedin to join cast of ‘Real Housewives of New York’
The long-time Hillary Clinton aide and wife of disgraced congressman and New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner, Huma Abedin, has been tapped to join the cast of Bravo’s Real Housewives of New…
Kevin O’Leary completes hostile takeover of children’s lemonade stand
TORONTO – Sources inside O’Leary Funds say that their CEO has successfully gained controlling ownership of Timothy and Caroline Gowan’s lemonade stand in Toronto’s west end. “Now that we control …
Persistent heat wave leads to construction of first ever trans-Canada Slip n’ Slide
OTTAWA – The Canadian government has responded to dangerously high temperatures with the building of a massive $3 billion Slip n’ Slide that will stretch across the nation. “It …
