Sudbury, ON or somewhere in the Amazon – Jack Farber, popular choose-your-own-adventure novelist, was found dead over the weekend, either alone in his bachelor apartment or in the Amazon wh…
Workplace injuries up 300% after implementing new ergonomic trampoline desks
TORONTO – Ace Marketing, a mid-sized advertising agency located in Toronto, has suffered a three-fold increase in workplace injuries after switching out their usual sitting desks for a Swed…
Creative writing graduate now has skills to imagine job he’d be qualified for
WINDSOR – Following his convocation earlier this week, creative writing graduate Kyle Rapoport, 22, is using his refined expertise to pretend that there are jobs he could do. “The market ma…
God orders recall of several million white men
HEAVEN – Citing easily damaged feelings, an ego that improperly inflates, and a tendency to dangerously explode for no reason, the All-Supreme Being has ordered a massive recall of white me…
Everyone at Entourage screening pretending they walked into wrong theater
KINGSTON – A 7pm showing of the Entourage film at a multiplex theatre in Ontario was attended exclusively by filmgoers who claimed to be there by accident. “Wait, this is the Entourage movi…
CSIS: “C-51 will help us defeat the enemies we plan to invent”
OTTAWA – With Bill C-51 now passed into law, the Canadian Security Intelligence Service (CSIS) has stated it will use its new powers to defeat civilian groups, charities, and political orga…
Triple Crown won by two guys in horse costume
NEW YORK – Following their come-from-behind victory at the Belmont stakes, the coveted Triple Crown has been won by two men pretending to be a 3-year-old thoroughbred. “It all started when …
ISIS militants unwind by destroying charming little brunch place
SYRIA – After nearly three weeks straight of destroying artwork, murdering innocent civilians, and unlawfully annexing territory, ISIS soldiers Dafiq al-Adnani and Labid al-Tikriti relaxed …
End of tampon tax leaves only 3,424 areas of gender inequality remaining
OTTAWA – With the announcement that GST will no longer apply to feminine hygiene products after July 1st, the Harper government has managed to stamp out nearly 1/3000th of the gender inequa…
Report: Oil found in Northwest Territories will be just enough to doom humanity
NORTHWEST TERRITORIES – Geological scientists announced earlier this week that the 200 billion barrels of shale oil discovered in the Northwest Territories would be adequate to push humanit…
