QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has promised that despite the ongoing economic uncertainty in the province, which he constantly exacerbates by responding to US President Donald Trump’s barbs, he will work hard to protect jobs in the province’s crony industry.
“Across the entire province, hundreds of henchmen, goons and bootlickers are anticipating hard times, wondering where their next bribe is coming from,” Ford said from Queen’s Park last weekend. “But I pledge to you that those working in the corruption industry will be taken care of, even if I have to hire them all for cushy government jobs myself!”
Ontario’s robust patsy industry brings in millions of dollars to the province’s economy annually. While most of that money does end up in the hands of Ford himself, a loss of lackey jobs in the province would still cause the economy to plummet.
With the stakes this high, even flunkies that aren’t directly employed by the Ford government have concerns about their livelihood. Mark Floyd, a professional crony capitalist based out of Ottawa, says he isn’t sure he’d be able to survive the current job market if he had to. Or any job market for that matter.
“My family has a long history of toadying for more successful people, ever since my great-grandfather was Sir John A. Macdonald’s drinking buddy,” notes Floyd. “What kind of world are we making for our children? One where they can’t just suckle the government’s teat because of who their third cousin is and have to actually earn their jobs?”
Ways that the Ford government is planning to ensure Ontario stooges don’t take on any undue economic hardship include: privatizing homeless shelters; making unnecessary boards to put his loyalists in charge of; and implementing ‘Take Your Kid to Work and Then Hire Them with an Inflated Salary Day’ at Queen’s Park.
In addition to these planned actions, Ford also took a moment to share his sympathies with struggling minions.
“Folks, as all Ontario residents know, yes-men are the ones who keep this province’s economy afloat. The people who work in the crony industry are amongst my closest friends. Literally, in a lot of cases. How else did they get the job?”
Aside from economic hardship, the Ontario crony market is also fending off poaching attempts from the Alberta government, which is offering major incentives for henchmen to relocate to their province if they apply with their resumes, references, and a picture of who their father was.
The massive growth of the stooge industry is considered by some to be Ford’s crowning achievement, until he successfully manages to put gambling ads all along the 407.
At press time, Ford was refusing to make public an email chain that may have proof of him reaching out to American crony agencies asking how much they charge for temp work.
