TORONTO – Election day in Toronto is fast approaching, and polls continue to show Mayor Olivia Chow with a lead over challenger Brad Bradford. So, in a desperate effort to court the bland, middle-aged, white vote, Bradford is quadrupling down.
“My campaign is promising real change,” said the mayoral hopeful. “That’s why I legally changed my name from Bradford MacDonald Bradford to Brad MacBrad BradBrad. A name you can trust.”
Councillor BradBrad understands the importance of telling people what they want to hear. And apparently, he thinks they want to hear the name “Brad” as many times as possible.
“The name ‘Brad’ tests incredibly well with focus groups,” explained BradBrad’s campaign manager. “For some reason, the ‘Ford’ part of his name wasn’t nearly as popular in Toronto.”
Up to this point, BradBrad’s top campaign strategy was stoking fear about the vague notion of crime, even though the city’s crime rate has gone down in Chow’s tenure as mayor. Now, he’s hoping his new tactic will put him over the top.
“If elected, I will hire 1,000 more police officers,” said the mayoral hopeful. “And if it gets me elected, I will add 1,000 more ‘Brads’ to my legal name.”
Meanwhile, in a new campaign ad, BradBrad attacked his opponent for investing in shelters, improving public transit, and having a first and last name that barely even share any letters.
“Is her name Olivia? Is it Mayor Chow? She says you can call her both,” reads the ad. “One person. Two names. What’s next? Three names? Four names? Property taxes that keep up with inflation to fund essential city services? We can’t afford to find out.”
When asked if she plans to change her own name in response to her opponent, Mayor Chow briefly looked confused before continuing her press conference about a free school lunch program.
