WASHINGTON D.C. – President Donald J. Trump has pledged to extract terrible, systematic revenge on all of Canada for daring to enter talks with the European Union, just as soon as he finishes losing the war he started in Iran.
“These Canadians are going to pay a terrible price for daring to trade with anyone but the United States,” threatened Trump during a press avail to welcome a Girl Scout troop to the Oval Office. “And I’m going to bring the full might of my administration down on those Carly Rae Jepsen loving freaks, just as soon as I finished being utterly humiliated by the far-smaller Iranian army in this war of choice I was tricked into by Netanyahu.”
With Prime Minister Mark Carney negotiating with the EU regarding “associate member” status, as well as announcing new cooperation deals with France and Norway, Trump has sworn to retaliate with the full might of his military, the U.S. trade sector, and Kash Patel’s revamped FBI where the “B” now stands for “bestiality”.
Sources indicate this retaliation will have to wait, however, until: Pete Hegseth finishes depleting the entire U.S. missile stockpile in Iran; the Strait of Hormuz is permanently closed and gas is over $12/barrel; and Trump’s entire plan to win the Iranian War is revealed to have been an AI-generated meme of the President as Rambo with a machine gun.
“After I accomplish all that, you’re next on the list, Canadia!” the 80-year-old president shouted at a group of Brownies.
In a related story, Prime Minister Carney is debating internally whether this week has bought him enough goodwill to slash another 12,000 public sector jobs in 2027.
