MISSISSAUGA, ON – Earlier this week Canadians noticed that Hilroy had excluded Newfoundland and Cape Breton from the map of Canada on the cover of their latest notebooks. Today, the company confirmed that it was no accident.
“You want your precious Newfoundland back? We have some demands,” Hilroy announced in a ransom note written neatly in pencil on blue-lined paper.
A few of the demands are surprisingly reasonable (“Hilroy notebooks in every classroom across the country”), while others are not (“Every notebook costs one million dollars now.”). Others are just completely unattainable (“The word for paper is Hilroy now. You know, how people say Kleenex instead of tissues? Like that.”)
Until all demands are met, Hilroy vows to continue to removing parts of Canada from its notebook covers every school year. No province or territory is safe. The company is already dropping hints about its next act of stationery terror.
“New Brunswick… How about NO Brunswick?” Hilroy posted on its official Facebook page. “Ontario… more like Gone-tario! #MeetOurDemands #EvilScheme #UsePromoCodeBACK2SCHOOLfor50%offDuotangsThisWeekendOnly”
Hilroy’s evil turn is particularly worrisome for educators.
“Due to budget cuts, we don’t have any real maps in my school anymore,” explained geography teacher Gary Brent, of Brandon, MB. “I teach all of my lessons using the cover of a Hilroy notebook. What am I going to do now?”
However, Newfoundland and Cape Breton residents are more concerned that it took the country so long to notice they were missing, as the erroneous notebooks have been in stores since 2025.
“I would be offended that no one realized we were essentially kidnapped,” said Amanda Wilson of St. John’s. “But we didn’t notice either. Oops.”
As of press time, Canadians are torn on what to do next. Alberta is holding a referendum to decide whether to secede from the Hilroy map altogether, and PEI is still trying to confirm if it has ever been included on the notebook’s cover.
Meanwhile, Ontario Premier Doug Ford has already signed another billion-dollar deal with Staples, which will allow the American chain to sell the same Hilroy notebooks to Ontario schools at four times the price.
