WASHINGTON, D.C. – U.S. President Donald Trump is receiving praise from his supporters after announcing last week that the upcoming Trump National Park will be home to over one hundred different flora and fauna, all of which support his party’s anti-woke agenda.
“For too long, good American wildlife have had their place in this country stolen by illegal migratory species, DEI plantings, and escaped transgenic pets,” The President posted on his Truth Social Media platform. “America deserves a natural space free of forced biodiversity. When it’s completed, the Donald Trump National Park will consist of only real American species, such as the California Whitewood, the Heterosexual Moose, and any spider that can be trained to write slurs in its web. Thank you for your attention to this matter.”
Later statements from the president suggest Trump plans to build the new park over top of the San Diego Zoo, after tweeting 84 times about how he found most of the female animals there “unfuckable”.
Several prominent conservation authorities have reacted to Trump’s plans for the park. National Parks Service supervisor Sabrina Jackson states that the instructions her department has received from Washington regarding species procurement make little sense.
“He has 75 predators on this list and one herbivore. And half of the species he’s proposing are invasive and will displace the native wildlife,” notes Jackson. “We don’t even want to know what he means by ‘importing polar bears into the park so they can take back the jobs the brown bears stole from them’.”
Other preparations being made for the new park include injecting several eagles with Rogaine to prevent them from going bald, importing a certain species of deer that have Mar-a-Lago face, and trying to revive the woolly mammoth, as they lived around the same time that Trump’s viewpoints would’ve been considered accurate.
Environmentalists across the country state that the bigger issue might be what will happen to Trump National Park when Trump inevitably can’t find the money to maintain it, like what happened to Donald J. Trump State Park in 2010. At that point, experts expect the anti-woke species turn on each other.
While no date has been set for when the proposed park will be open, visitors can expect to partake in a number of supposedly fun activities such as cuckwatching, the animal fight club, and non-homoerotic camping. Insiders suggest that while no food will be allowed in the park, anyone who invests in Trump’s cryptocurrency will be allowed to eat one of the bears.
Other species expected to be seen at Trump National Park include the green algae from the Washington reflecting pool, feral hogs, and a re-wilded Steve Bannon.
At press time, NPS was trying unsuccessfully to explain to Trump why it isn’t possible for the park to ensure every wolf inside is an alpha.
