WASHINGTON, D.C. – As the White House hosts an Ultimate Fighting Championship event on its South Lawn, several competitors who are paid to issue and receive concussions expressed concern about President Trump’s mental faculties.
“The President said ‘Thank you for coming to Iran, I’m about to sign a great peace deal with Iraq!’ and then wandered off and stood in the corner for eight minutes,” featherweight fighter Diego Lopes said. “I told the Secret Service, but they said that was ‘a good day’.”
President Trump has been observed nodding off during press conferences, claiming the event would be streamed live on VHS tapes, and calling every single UFC fighter Mike Tyson, raising the possibility that one of his 27 recent medical examinations may have missed a problem.
“He told me, ‘You’re the greatest President since me, Mr. President’,” said heavyweight Ciryl Gane, quickly googling nearby hospitals on his phone. “Then he asked me what I thought of his new ballroom while pointing at the octagon. Before I could answer, he tried to bribe me and solicit a bribe at the same time.”
While President Trump himself responded to questions about his physical and mental health by asking reporters when the musical Cats would start, members of the Trump administration have dismissed the suggestion that Trump may not be the fittest leader in all of human history.
“It’s disgusting to suggest that anything is wrong with our President, disparaging the integrity of Crypto.com’s Freedom 250, brought to you by Bud Light,” shouted White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “It’s perfectly normal for 80-year-old men to look like a rotting bag of Ranch dressing, and talk like a haunted Speak and Spell. Patriotic Americans should not be questioning their leader, but instead betting their meagre savings on the fights.”
At press time, further concerns about Trump’s health arose after the President struggled to recover from the ceremonial opening roundhouse kick.
