OTTAWA – Prime Minister Mark Carney has reportedly settled on a last-ditch initiative to keep Canada safe from American instability: physically moving the entire nation to the continent of Europe.
“The principal reason for Canada’s inextricable ties to the United States is that they are geographically speaking, our closest neighbour. Therefore, the solution seems patently obvious: Let’s move.” Carney said, looking up from the map he had drawn showing how Hudson’s Bay could fit around Scandinavia.
“I’m not saying it’s going to be easy for us to physically tie a rope from Portugal and have everyone in Newfoundland pull the 2nd largest country in the world across the Atlantic, but I’ve already rented the U-hauls and gotten 10,000 cardboard boxes from the LCBO.”
Rumours within Carney’s cabinet suggest that the Prime Minister’s original plan was to facilitate a wide-scale exodus of the Canadian population to Europe, but according to Minister of Foreign Affairs Anita Anand, that plan had several key drawbacks.
“Historically, Europe doesn’t have the best track record of dealing with migrants who are looking to put distance between themselves and despotic governments,” notes Anand. “Plus, abandoning the country would mean leaving behind our natural resources, and we kind of need that to get a seat at the table in the EU. Without those, we’re just a country that used to be better than our neighbour.”
When questioned whether this relocation, his general cuddling up to the European Union, and tenure as governor of the Bank of England represent an opportunity for Carney to enrich himself, the Prime Minister insists the claim is unfounded.
“Throughout our proud history as a nation, Europe has always been our greatest shield to hide behind,” Carney insisted. “When the Americans tried to annex us in the 1890s, Britain increased their trade with us to foil the US attempts. When we were suffering from the Great Depression, Europe got us out of that by getting into a massive global conflict. Just like how, when we get eliminated in the blink of an eye, hundreds of Canadians will cheer for European teams at the FIFA World Cup!”
Initially, the Canadian Government had planned to move the country over one province at a time through the use of every tugboat in the nation. However, several European countries have pledged support in assisting with moving the entire landmass of Canada to its new place in Europe, in exchange for beer and pizza afterwards. This would allow the entire country to be relocated within the 60-day notice period we would be required to give America, so they can find a new continent-mate.
At press time, Conservative Party Leader Pierre Poilievre has released a statement saying that he thought of this first.
