Toronto/Vancouver/Winnipeg/Montreal/Ottawa/etc. – It’s official: We’re in for one wet ass February, fuckers.
According to February experts, the shortest month of the calendar will also be the wettest, with 28 sopping, dripping days. Every other February you’ve ever experienced is going to seem dry as shit compared to the soggy month ahead.
Groundhog Day? Wet. Valentine’s Day? Wet. Family Day, Louis Riel Day, Nova Scotia Heritage Day, Islander Day, a regular Monday in February in Quebec, Yukon, Nunavut, and the Northwest Territories? Wet. So fucking wet.
I don’t know how to make myself any clearer.
Is this a play on the “Dry January” challenge? Is it about the wet, slushy weather that’s unique to [insert your Canadian city here]? Is it some sort of water-based sexual innuendo? Great questions. And here’s the only answer: February is going to be wet as shit, you son of a bitch.
You’re going to wipe out on a soaking staircase so goddamn hard. You’re going to step in a puddle up to your motherfucking ankles. You’re going to hydrate because your sister got you a trendy water bottle for Christmas.
You can’t run. (You’ll slip.) You can’t hide. (You’ll freeze). All the towels in the world won’t keep you safe – they only get wetter the more they dry.
March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb. April showers bring May flowers. June is when Toy Story 5 comes out. But before all that?
Get ready for a wet ass February.
