MAR-A-LAGO, FL – Sources report President Donald J. Trump was seen questioning his own motivations behind a series of shocking recent moves in Venezuela, along with a close confidant who was later revealed to be an inanimate coatrack.
“Look, I don’t know which of these vultures around me I can trust, but I’m having trouble keeping track of why I’m doing this invasion,” Trump asked of the coatrack, perhaps confused by the raincoat hanging on it which resembled the loose shape of a human figure.
“Sure, blowing up these speedboats has been fun, but Stephen (Miller) says I don’t get TV time unless I invade them, and he won’t even tell me why,” the commander in chief confessed to the piece of decorative furniture.
Trump was witnessed speaking in hushed tones to the wooden coat stand for over 40 minutes, as nearby resort guests attempted to avoid eye contact.
“I was just there to buy a pardon for scamming a bunch of senior citizens out of their pensions,” reports venture capitalist Herman Marstons, 67. “But Mr. Trump was talking weirdly intently to a coatrack about ‘which country is Venezuela again’ and ‘was Jeffrey my friend with the island?'”
Marstons added, “He seemed pretty busy, so I just left my pardon bribe in the box they have set up.”
Questioned about this in a later press briefing, White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt attacked reporters.
“How dare you imply that the President can’t keep track of which crime he’s covering up, or which people he’s talking to are coat racks,” Leavitt shouted. “He’s a genius and a patriot, and maybe YOU ALL are the ones with frontotemporal dementia. Who said that? Shut up!” she added, before spraying a garden hose at the assembled press corps.
Back at Mar-A-Lago, President Trump was once again seen asking a small palm tree if he should bomb Winnipeg.
“It would be very easy, and those Manitobans have been very unfair to America for a very long time,” Trump noted before attempting to sexually grope a nearby female guests who was later revealed to be a pair of baked hams.
