WASHINGTON D.C. – US President Donald Trump’s planned White House ballroom, requiring the complete demolition of the historic East Wing, is being criticized by Canadians who will now never get to torch building for a second time since the War of 1812.
“With the way US/Canadian trade negotiations are going, it’s inevitable that we’re going to end up in a place of asymmetric guerrilla warfare,” explained Prime Minister Mark Carney. “We Canadians were definitely looking forward to another crack at burning down their president’s residence – yet another thing that Trump has stolen from us.”
Polls show that the controversial White House ballroom construction is currently opposed by every single American other than Trump, the Republican House Caucus, and the tech billionaires whose bribes are funding the renovations. Now, Canadians are joining the outcry.
“So I bought all these oily rags for nothing,” laments Grant McLaughton, of St. John, NB.
Sherri Weekes, of Regina, SK, notes, “I mean, once the US invades us for our natural resources, it was gonna be a lot of fun to burn that sucker to the ground. Again.”
Rajvinder Chopra, of Ottawa, adds “I suppose we could try and burn down the new ballroom, but given how Trump famously never pays his contractors they’ll probably beat us to it.”
At press time Canada is abandoning plans to burn down the White House in favour of Option B: winning the World Series.
