OTTAWA – The ongoing Canada Post strike has impacted the ability of grandmothers across the nation to send you “a few dollars” on your birthday, which has been discovered to be a crucial cornerstone of the Canadian economy.
Amidst the US trade war, rising unemployment, and skyrocketing cost of living, leading economists say the mail strike preventing the sending of grandma birthday money has led to a stalling of the overall economy.
“It turns out the one thing keeping our entire economy afloat was not international trade or even Canada’s bond market,” explains Marcus Spillmann, Director of Economic Research at the C.D. Howe Institute. “All along it’s actually been a twenty and two fives, tucked inside a Hallmark card, and mailed to an adult grandson or daughter.”
Prime Minister Mark Carney, himself an Oxford-educated economist, acknowledges the toll wrought on Canada’s economy by the stoppage of birthday money hand-mailed by loving grandmothers, “so you can buy yourself a little treat”.
“Our existing economic models never accounted for the disproportionately high percentage of financial activity generated by Canada’s grandmothers, nonnas, and in some cases, omas,” explained Carney as he turned to slide 469 of a three hour powerpoint.
“Unfortunately, the Canada Post strike has ground this flow of liquidity to a standstill, revealing that Canadians were entirely dependant on this yearly cash infusion to keep their heads above water,” Carney explained. “We need to get the mail moving again, and fast.”
Reports have come in of some cash-strapped Canadians feeling so desperate that they are driving cross country just to pick up their yearly birthday stipend in person.
“My nanny lives all the way out in Cape Breton, but our daughter needs braces, so I made the 40 hour round trip drive all the way out there,” explains Ryan Montgomery, of Hamilton. “She was waiting for me at the door and before I knew it, she shook my hand and palmed a crips $50 bill in there like we were making a drug deal.”
“We need Canada Post back!” exclaimed a road-weary Montgomery.
Reached for comment, union negotiators for the Canadian Union of Postal Workers (CUPW) promise that they understand the importance of grandmother birthday dollars.
“Our letter carriers understand all too well that, in 2025, nearly 60% of our mail consists of brightly-coloured envelopes containing a whimsical birthday card as well as between $20 and $80 in cash, which Canadians desperately depend on,” explains CUPW Angelique Vesparis.
“Wait, are we in a recession?”
At press time, your 85-year-old grandmother is still working with Eileen’s grandson to learn how to send an e-transfer on her iPad.
