MONTREAL – Air Canada’s flight attendants have issued a strike notice, prompting the airline to swiftly embrace a new and exciting reason to cancel flights.
“I’ve blamed flight cancellations on mechanical issues, staffing issues, supply issues, bad weather, good weather, insect swarms, feral bat colonies, onboard knife fights, and existential malaise, but it’s always good to have another tool in the toolbox,” said Air Canada’s Chief Flight Cancellation Officer. “You’ve got to keep people on their toes.”
While cancelled flights are nothing new for Air Canada, a company that primarily exists to make WestJet feel better about itself, the strike does offer a novel way for the company to frustrate the accursed souls it calls customers.
“Oh, my flight was cancelled, presumably because I had the audacity to show up to the airport for it,” said one man at Pearson. “I guess my mother will just have to bury herself.”
A representative for the flight attendants’ union urged Canadians to back the strike, so that the lucky few among us who actually get to board a plane will enjoy better service.
“It may not feel like it, but under normal circumstances, Air Canada actually lets several flights go uncancelled every single month,” the representative said. “And when a plane does leave the gate, we want to be onboard to reassure you that yes, this really is happening, there’s a pilot in the cockpit and everything.”
An Air Canada spokesman responded to the comments by cancelling the next flight booked by the union rep and everyone they have ever known and loved.
“We just want to begrudgingly get Canadians to their destination long after they needed to be there,” the spokesman said. “What are you motherfuckers going to do about it, walk to Cancun?”
Air Canada then cancelled all flights to Cancun.
“If Canadians speak out against this strike, we’re willing to merely overbook and severely delay your flights,” the spokesman said. “Except, of course, for the flights that we just have to cancel.”
At press time, dialogue between Air Canada and the union had been delayed after all flights to the negotiation venue were cancelled.
