TORONTO – After performing an in-house audit and hiring several third party firms to a total cost of over $683 million, the City of Toronto has determined it is too expensive to continue and should be scrapped altogether.
“It’s not worth it. No taxpayer wants to fund this anymore; it’s a failed project all around,” said chief auditor, Terence Lee. “Our final report suggests glassing the place and just forgetting the whole thing ever happened.”
The study pointed to a number of systemic issues plaguing the city, such as a degraded public transit and waterfront, poor quality unaffordable housing, and a completely broken political system.
“If you’re looking for a place to live I would not suggest investing any more time or money in this deteriorating money pit,” the auditor added.
Citizens spoke in favour of ending their misery, many of them citing increasingly longer commute times, unsightly condominium projects and the prohibitive cost of gasoline and parking.
“I drove around for an hour and half this weekend just to find parking so I could watch my cousin perform in a play, and the whole evening cost me like $73 to watch community theatre and eat a shitty pizza. Plus I ended up with a parking ticket. What’s the point of all this?” said citizen Samir Baerwald.
“I could live the same or better life for much cheaper in the Maritimes, and I hear the people are way nicer too. What am I really doing here pretending to have an acting career and making less than 15k a year doing commercials anyway?” said Queen St. West resident Marrissa Kane.
At press time, plans to scrap the city were being rethought after a $404-million audit determined the city did not have the financial or logistical capacity to do so.
