OTTAWA – With the NDP leadership race revving up, party members are enthusiastic about finding a leader popular enough to divide progressive voters straight down the middle.
“I’ve been dreaming of this moment ever since Jack Layton used his Ned Flander’s mustache and heartwarming cane to catapult the NDP to new heights, handing over the election to Stephen Harper,” rejoiced Ryan Heeder.
With four strong candidates ranging from ‘white man who probably drives a Prius’, to ‘white woman who probably drives a Prius’, and even ‘ handsome charismatic man who might lose Quebec because people think he’s Muslim-ish’, the party has a very difficult choice to make.
“I would be honoured to be our nation’s first visible minority to embody the rift between old and young liberals,” commented frontrunner, Jagmeet Singh. “But no matter what happens the NDP will continue to be the party whose progressive ideas are somehow indistinguishable from the Liberals, yet still radical enough to divide the majority of Canadians.”
Most analyst agree that with the right leader the NDP may be in the perfect position to steal just enough seats from the Liberals to allow Conservative leader and human piece of toast without butter, Andrew Scheer, to gain the minority government he so desperately wants.
“We couldn’t be happier for them,” remarked Scheer, “My party has tried everything to become relevant like tax breaks for the rich, demonising the compensation of a torture victim, and of course, being whiter than fresh snow on a Saskatoon Christmas, but this might be the only thing to actually give us an edge.”
Former NDP leader, Thomas Mulcair is confident that whoever the new leader is they will make the party proud. “It’s clear to everyone that we have an embarrassment of riches and remember, I know a thing or two about being an embarrassment.”
